I wish I had a time machine...

That's actually a lyric from the song, Sad To Belong, by England Dan and John Ford Coley (loved them in the 70's). In any case, the rest of the song is not all that apropos, but that one phrase is just where I am lately. I've said before that I think I am from another planet, but really, I just think I am from another time. A time when people got together more often at your house over a meal. A time without text messaging and cell phones. A time when friendship meant something more than an email once a month, or required phone call. And I always got along with people who were so much older than I was, including my family. Now they are all gone and there are so few "senior" folks in my life - so many of those that I meet, whether my age or younger, just don't click with me. I find myself wishing that I could go back to my childhood, which, as the years go by, seems to have been the best years of my life. I had such a great Mom and Aunt. Love was constant and unconditional. "Things" were not so important but "experiences" were. So I travelled and tried all kinds of cuisine and was allowed to talk and learn about everything. When I was in High School, I hardly slept. When I wasn't in class I was either at marching band or tennis practice, a class meeting, a student council meeting, a chorus rehearsal or rehearsing for a play or musical. And when there was a break from any of that, we were either driving in my Mom's little VW bug somewhere or I was down the road playing kickball with my best buddies and sitting in front of a campfire singing John Denver songs and dreaming about the future.

Now the future is here, and I am not so sure it is what I wished for. Actually, I know it isn't. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I was an awful person in a previous life and so these trials and tribulations of my adult years are a necessity to work out my karma. Or maybe, this is just "life as an adult" and I'm more a part of the norm than I think. Maybe everyone reading this thinks, "Stop whining you moron, we're all in the same boat, none of us got what we wished for." Maybe I was such a spoiled kid and had so much that it tainted me for what is inevitable and I am not equipped to handle it. And it is clear that I am not perfect and I've hurt people (almost always unintentionally). But you know what? I refuse to believe that this is all there is. That we shouldn't expect the best from ourselves and our circumstances and the world. So I say (or shout) GIVE ME A BREAK!

I'm not asking for too much I don't think. I wouldn't dare, because I have already had some amazing things happen in my life, now I just want the regular stuff to happen. Work that pays the bills but that I also enjoy (ok, maybe that is asking for a lot) and a partner, a real partner to share my life with. Someone who gets me and loves me and adores me and someone that I feel the same about. But maybe that IS asking for too much. I really have no idea. So I will just keep going and keep asking questions and stay in the game.

Maybe, if I could go back in a time machine, I would change some things to try and make this time better. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't trade those days for the world.

Some other lyrics from that song:
So I'll live my life in a dream world,
For the rest of my days.
Just you and me walking hand in hand,
In a wishful memory...
Oh, I guess it's all that it will ever be...

And part of me would like to live in a dream world with memories of the past to sustain me, but I am too much of a realist. I live in the here and now, not without reflection, but I fear too many people live with rose colored glasses on. I'd rather deal with my depression and pain and loneliness and rejection than pretend like everything is just peachy. Without the lows how do we even realize the highs - or appreciate them as much? I just wish the highs would last a little longer.

I guess I say the same things over and over don't I? Maybe in slightly different context or with slightly different vocabulary, but I really am a little rodent on a treadmill aren't I? I'd like to jump off of that treadmill and find some others like me. Right now, I don't have a lot of people to turn to or that I can count on, and that breaks my heart. Mostly because, if nothing else, I have always tried to be there for people, especially in times of crisis and need. And maybe, that is my purpose - to be a caretaker. The problem is, I think I need someone to take care of me too. Is that wrong?

So once again, here's to all the fighters out there, trying to be the best they can be, trying to get through lonely days and nights, trying to search out the truth even if it means pain, trying to live life to the fullest with all its "stuff" along the way. March on!

All the wrong reasons

Sometimes...I think we humans get caught up in fantasy...in scenarios we hope can be true for us. We want them so bad that we make decisions based on what we hope will happen, or what we want to happen, even if those decisions are not the best for us. I'm not saying we shouldn't take chances or have dreams (i would be the biggest hypocrite alive if I said that), but I am beginning to learn that sometimes, you can do something that you think is right, for all the wrong reasons. And sometimes, that ends up being a house of cards that comes crashing down on your head and makes your life seem foolish, or more accurately, you feel like the fool. My mother used to say, "Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best." I heard an interview with Nancy Reagan and someone asked her about that, or she said she had a friend who lived by that philosophy and she refused to live that way. She basically said you must just work for the best. I think she might be right. That is more "the glass is half full approach." I really am trying to live more like that, but it seems that no matter how hard i try, at a variety of things, I find myself feeling like a failure or a fool. Stupid really - someone just the other night told me that my trouble is, that I want perfection. Thanks again Mom (you know I love ya, wherever you are resting). But it's true...I have always tried to be perfect and I let myself down all the time, because how CAN we be perfect, ever? And I feel like I let other people down too.

Getting back to my first point and then I will close. I think, as I get older, I want to take actions and begin relationships and start projects for the right reasons. I want to go in knowing why and if I am going to do something, I want to do it without expectations, without needing something in return from someone or some thing. Is that realistic? Especially with matters of the heart? Or am I playing the fool with that idea as well?

I just know that recently, I set out on a course, and I think I packed for that journey for the wrong reasons. I built up this fantasy that if I did a, b and c, then the outcome would be what I wanted. And it isn't. Even if ultimately, the project that is attached to all of this is fantastic and successful, the actual dream that I had will not be reality...and that hurts. Actually, it sucks! Is any of this real? Is this thing on?

Next time...at least at this point in my life, I can still say there can be a next time. We just have to keep trying. Just keep trying.