I wish I had a time machine...

That's actually a lyric from the song, Sad To Belong, by England Dan and John Ford Coley (loved them in the 70's). In any case, the rest of the song is not all that apropos, but that one phrase is just where I am lately. I've said before that I think I am from another planet, but really, I just think I am from another time. A time when people got together more often at your house over a meal. A time without text messaging and cell phones. A time when friendship meant something more than an email once a month, or required phone call. And I always got along with people who were so much older than I was, including my family. Now they are all gone and there are so few "senior" folks in my life - so many of those that I meet, whether my age or younger, just don't click with me. I find myself wishing that I could go back to my childhood, which, as the years go by, seems to have been the best years of my life. I had such a great Mom and Aunt. Love was constant and unconditional. "Things" were not so important but "experiences" were. So I travelled and tried all kinds of cuisine and was allowed to talk and learn about everything. When I was in High School, I hardly slept. When I wasn't in class I was either at marching band or tennis practice, a class meeting, a student council meeting, a chorus rehearsal or rehearsing for a play or musical. And when there was a break from any of that, we were either driving in my Mom's little VW bug somewhere or I was down the road playing kickball with my best buddies and sitting in front of a campfire singing John Denver songs and dreaming about the future.

Now the future is here, and I am not so sure it is what I wished for. Actually, I know it isn't. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I was an awful person in a previous life and so these trials and tribulations of my adult years are a necessity to work out my karma. Or maybe, this is just "life as an adult" and I'm more a part of the norm than I think. Maybe everyone reading this thinks, "Stop whining you moron, we're all in the same boat, none of us got what we wished for." Maybe I was such a spoiled kid and had so much that it tainted me for what is inevitable and I am not equipped to handle it. And it is clear that I am not perfect and I've hurt people (almost always unintentionally). But you know what? I refuse to believe that this is all there is. That we shouldn't expect the best from ourselves and our circumstances and the world. So I say (or shout) GIVE ME A BREAK!

I'm not asking for too much I don't think. I wouldn't dare, because I have already had some amazing things happen in my life, now I just want the regular stuff to happen. Work that pays the bills but that I also enjoy (ok, maybe that is asking for a lot) and a partner, a real partner to share my life with. Someone who gets me and loves me and adores me and someone that I feel the same about. But maybe that IS asking for too much. I really have no idea. So I will just keep going and keep asking questions and stay in the game.

Maybe, if I could go back in a time machine, I would change some things to try and make this time better. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't trade those days for the world.

Some other lyrics from that song:
So I'll live my life in a dream world,
For the rest of my days.
Just you and me walking hand in hand,
In a wishful memory...
Oh, I guess it's all that it will ever be...

And part of me would like to live in a dream world with memories of the past to sustain me, but I am too much of a realist. I live in the here and now, not without reflection, but I fear too many people live with rose colored glasses on. I'd rather deal with my depression and pain and loneliness and rejection than pretend like everything is just peachy. Without the lows how do we even realize the highs - or appreciate them as much? I just wish the highs would last a little longer.

I guess I say the same things over and over don't I? Maybe in slightly different context or with slightly different vocabulary, but I really am a little rodent on a treadmill aren't I? I'd like to jump off of that treadmill and find some others like me. Right now, I don't have a lot of people to turn to or that I can count on, and that breaks my heart. Mostly because, if nothing else, I have always tried to be there for people, especially in times of crisis and need. And maybe, that is my purpose - to be a caretaker. The problem is, I think I need someone to take care of me too. Is that wrong?

So once again, here's to all the fighters out there, trying to be the best they can be, trying to get through lonely days and nights, trying to search out the truth even if it means pain, trying to live life to the fullest with all its "stuff" along the way. March on!

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving became my favorite holiday as a young adult because of the gathering of my little family and the great meal. Like many families, our tradition was turkey and the fixens. My Mom used to slave over it all in a kitchen that would have kept most people from serving frozen dinners. Not sure how she did it, but she always managed to pull it off (with some help from my Auntie Carm who always made the mashed potatoes). I'm grateful that when I had my first real place my Mom came down and I made dinner for her. Of course today, my immediate family (Mom, Dad, Auntie Carm and Auntie El and of course my brother Jackie) are all gone. I'm grateful that my partner's family always welcomes me for the holidays although I have been known recently to spend certain holidays alone. Sometimes it is just quiet and intimate as I conjure the memories and spirits of my lost loved ones. While it may seem melancholy, and certainly comes with tearful reminiscence, most of the time I find myself smiling with thoughts of the past and hope for the future knowing that my family will always be with me.