Those we miss...

There are so many reasons why we miss people: they have left this world, they have moved away, they are forced away from us, they are fighting in wars, they leave, we push them away, life just takes us in different directions...it goes on.

Today I had a great "comeback" as it were to the audition scene - so much joy and excitement and energy. So many talented young people (I was the old guy among hundreds of twenty-somethings) but I made it thru "type out," sang my 16 bars, was asked to sing a song from the show, asked to move and then called back to dance. Ultimately the dancing did me in (I ain't the hoofer I used to be), but it felt great to make it so far on my first "open" audition in five years and my first dance call-back in ten! Daddy didn't do so bad!

But in the joy of it all, there were people I thought of, people I wanted to reach out to, to call, to touch. At that moment, my eyes began to well and I just...missed them. First and foremost, my family - Mom, Auntie Carm, Dad. How I miss the chance to talk to them, to hug them, to love them. I know they were with me today; giving me strength and bringing my best talents to the table. They watch from above.

And I miss you...you with the blue eyes and the sweet smile. Mostly I miss your soul - that spirit that sparked my love to begin with - and of course the words shared and the occasional simple touch. We haven't spoken now in almost two weeks. I know this loss is my own doing - you wait for me now to call you or write you but I can't bring myself to do it.

You are, simply...the one. I think of you every waking hour, without exception. And the nighttime does not shield me from you either. How I wish that this absence would make your heart grow fonder, but reality tells me it will not. Now that our project is finished and our days no longer connect us, do I ever cross your mind? You have stolen my heart. And today, in my ecstatic joy between call-backs I longed to reach you on my cell, to share this news with you. And at days end, I ached to meet you for dinner and catch up and share our lives. But I can not just be a friend to you. My feelings are already so much deeper than that. And as our time together became more frequent, it also became more uncomfortable - neither of us finding our footing. So I have finally let you go - actions speak louder than these words, right?

However, at days end, as the shadows creep along the side of the house and hide the roses in black, I miss you...terribly.

In just a few more days...

Christmas will be here. I'm still recovering from our bash last weekend and just finished my Christmas shopping tonight. Last year I did everything online. This year I shopped a little online but also hit the stores and must admit I had a good time. It put me in that spirit of giving. Online can cause less headaches but it also lacks the charm of picking things up and seeing other shoppers finding what they're looking for. And yes, the front yard of our house is too much but hey, we've got all the stuff, no use leaving it in the garage! I even put speakers outside this year and piped Christmas music - we have quite a few familes stop by to enjoy it all.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving became my favorite holiday as a young adult because of the gathering of my little family and the great meal. Like many families, our tradition was turkey and the fixens. My Mom used to slave over it all in a kitchen that would have kept most people from serving frozen dinners. Not sure how she did it, but she always managed to pull it off (with some help from my Auntie Carm who always made the mashed potatoes). I'm grateful that when I had my first real place my Mom came down and I made dinner for her. Of course today, my immediate family (Mom, Dad, Auntie Carm and Auntie El and of course my brother Jackie) are all gone. I'm grateful that my partner's family always welcomes me for the holidays although I have been known recently to spend certain holidays alone. Sometimes it is just quiet and intimate as I conjure the memories and spirits of my lost loved ones. While it may seem melancholy, and certainly comes with tearful reminiscence, most of the time I find myself smiling with thoughts of the past and hope for the future knowing that my family will always be with me.