Overcast...

Maybe it's just me, but I feel so much of my life is struggling to get through the overcast skies of my life. I always feel like storm clouds are over my head or threatening. I feel certain that I am always searching for the sun, and when it peaks through I am grateful for it and very excited and energized in those moments, but then they are gone. Is it my personality? Is it my clinical depression? Is it my circumstances? Am I just a miserable, cynical, S.O.B. who can't ever be happy? (Don't answer that). Can I at least find a way to have the sun be out a little longer?

Well...in addition to my figurative overcast sky today, it is also "literally" overcast. And as you know by now, rainy days and Mondays...

Yesterday was another great day of auditions and I confronted some ghosts from the past (in people I had not seen in years) and overall it was a sunshiny day...but the clouds did move in once I got home...alone...as usual. I feel that loneliness is becoming this regular state of mind for me. In truth, it is an actuality - I am alone right now in my life and not sure I am handling it all that well. I miss being in love; I miss having my family with me; I miss sharing a life with someone. Ah well, overcast and gray...what a day, what a day.

So today, as much as I didn't want to get out of bed after my big audition day yesterday, I forced myself to go out in the rain, pick up a dear friend Kay and take her to see a concert at the UBS Atrium. She reminds me a great deal of my Mom and I know she is lonely too and often depressed. Seeing her light up and smile when I get together with her is a wonderful gift. And we always have wonderful talks about life and theater and music and people and the "way the world used to be." She is a wonderful lady and I wish I could take some of her pain away, but alas, our time together always must come to an end and she rushes to get inside so I don't see her tears. She doesn't know that I cry them too. It is hard to be alone and have so much time on your hands, no matter what age you are.

But let me share a bit about the concert and bring a ray of light into this diatribe. The concert is put on by The Hudson Riverfront Performing Arts Center (where I worked for a year as Assistant Director) and Bruce Sherman who is working his butt off to try and see this arts center built on the riverfront in Weehawken. There is a summer concert series and then today kicked off the UBS Atrium Series Concerts. The Quartet today was amazing and it was great fun to be there.

If you are in the tri-state area you should know about what Bruce and HRPAC are trying to do and come see a concert - they are free and open to the public and the variety and caliber of music is unmatched. Click on the homepage image below to be taken to the website.

Losses come in all shapes and sizes

Well...both my teams lost tonight - the Yankees are out of it for the season and perhaps Joe Torre, a great manager, will be booted from the Bronx. Maybe worse was the complete last minute debacle of the Buffalo Bills who had the game won. "Not again!" I keep thinking. It's funny that I can get so wrapped up in a sporting event - pinning my hopes and emotions on something really intangible. And yet, when I am rooting, shouting and believing, it seems as important as anything. I would think that to be a healthy ritual, and yet, when my hopes are dashed...when my cheers turn to jeers, I find myself depressed - literally. And that can't be good. I guess I want to back winners so that I can feel like I'm a winner. Does that make any sense? I know that I have had success in so many things during my life but I have also had intense failure and obviously, as we all do, very personal loss.

I guess, that in the past year or so, I have been particularly sensitive to failure. I feel that ASTC has failed (for the most part); my 14 year relationship has failed and I often feel so alone; feelings for others always seem to be dashed when they don't feel the same; career opportunities pass me by; I find myself making irrational or maybe more accurately, rash choices.

It's funny. Whenever I am feeling any sort of extreme emotion (which is most of the time - I mean have I ever had an even-keeled moment in my life?) I always turn to music as my solace. When I am really joyful I want to sing and when I am really depressed I want to sing.

So tonight, I turned to one of my favorite groups from the past: THE LITTLE RIVER BAND. Usually, when I am down and out, I like to listen to music that many would find depressing. But actually, knowing that someone else has felt the way I do, always gives me hope.

I share these two songs with you from YouTube...I really love them - the first is really how I am feeling lately. "I'm getting lost in the crowd...hear me crying out loud. Just want you to know, I know that you had to go. It's all up to you but whatever you do, take it easy on me." The second is actually sung by Player singer, Peter Beckett. And there are other great hits by this group - click their name above to go to their official website and you'll be amazed at all the hits they had and hopefully you'll be REMINISCING!

TAKE IT EASY ON ME

BABY COME BACK

Where am I going to?

Don't ask anymore. I'm feeling rather lost today...not surprising after the latest sequence of events in my life. But I keep wondering how much of this is my own doing? If I made choice B instead of A, would my life be drastically different? Do I really control my own destiny?

Before I blather on too much longer I have to share the drama of last night. So i have been very depressed since the closing of the show and the realization that the object of my affection and love is never going to feel the same way - indeed I sobbed myself to sleep on Thursday night listening to the radio and it seemed that every song spoke of my lonliness and despair. Now move forward 24 hours to last night. I decided after work to stay in the city, alone, and have a couple drinks, grab a bite to eat and go home and feel sorry for myself a bit more. Instead, I had the two drinks (cosmos), went to eat at Healthy Burger and then proceeded to have a bit of an attack on the subway platform. I got to the token booth clerk who called an ambulance and then i hit the deck. I've had these spells before, but they usually happen in the middle of the night so I just deal with them at home and they pass. Nothing conclusive has ever been found so I don't really worry about it. But this was embarrassing because I was in public. The paramedics came, put me in the ambulance, and were convinced it wasn't so bad. That is until I was hit with another spell and they started to panic (one of them said my lips were turning grey).

So...I went to the hospital, was in the emergency room for several hours while they took tests and gave me an IV and then they let me go. Said it was just dehydration and stress.

Stress -
A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression. (that is my favorite and most accurate definition from the American Heritage Dictionary).

Now back to my post question. Where do I go from here? Figuring that one out may be the biggest challenge of my life. I have to start by making some strong choices for my life - and finding a way to get out of this house is probably the first one. Letting go of a love that can't love me also tops the list. But when I look at those two choices alone, that is exactly where it leaves me...alone...and that scares me.

Forgive me for another rant which only has questions and few answers. And forgive me for sounding as if my life is so awful - I know full well that compared to many, my life is just great and I am grateful for it. It's the perfectionist in me that gets me into trouble - always feeling I can do better and that my world should be better.

I know, I know...still owe you the planets - coming soon!

Just take a day at a time

That's what my Mom always used to say. She was a wise lady. Sometimes, that is all you can do, especially when all else seems lost or your way seems so unclear. I haven't been to work all week and hope I can climb out of this funk soon. I was in the recording studio yesterday working on the CD for our PIE Holiday Story Series. I thought that would pull me out of my depression, but it didn't. Maybe because everything with ASTC in these first few years has been such a struggle - it always seems like a fight to get anything accomplished. Getting people to believe in the arts and moreover, getting them to support the arts, is a "hard row to hoe." Another phrase my Mom used to use.

Well, in honor of her life, and in her memory, I will try and make tomorrow a little better than today. As she got older, she tried to take everything in stride and appreciate what she had and realize that life wasn't so bad. When anyone would ask her how she was, she would simply say, "I'm doing pretty good for an old lady!"

I hope some of her attitude will find its way into my consciousness. I miss her.

Here is another one of her paintings...Shadows, oil on canvas board

Thanks to the hometown crowd!

It was really great to be home in Albion over the weekend. I actually started out in my college town of Lewiston, NY and even tho the crowd was small, we had a great time - and I was grateful that my mentor from Niagara U and one of my Mom's cousin's from Buffalo and her family came out to support. And best of all was the time we got to spend together over a great meal, reminiscing about family and catching up. Of course the Swan Library in Albion had a great event for me - desserts and drinks for everyone and a standing room crown. My Mom's art teacher surprised me and so many friends from the past there to support me and the work. It was a wonderful feeling. I wanted to share the letter I wrote to some of the papers in that area as my "thank you." I've also added one of my Mom's paintings from the book - you can see a large preview of this piece at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright. Enjoy!

I wanted to thank The Albion Swan Library and all the folks from the area who came out on Sunday, April 29th to support my book, Flowers In Autumn: endings and beginnings. It was an amazing afternoon filled with laughter and tears and re-connections. My mother, Gen Riviere (Monacelli), would have been so thrilled with the response to her paintings and I know she was with us in spirit. I am grateful that you not only gave me the chance to share my work with you, but that you allowed me to share my life stories - some of the highs and lows. I also want to thank those who weren't able to make it, but sent good wishes. It means a great deal. There has been so much support from my home town and the area for all of my endeavors over the years and I am truly blessed.

Finally, I wanted to say some words to those who suffer from depression as I do. First of all, believe that you have worth - you do. Secondly, know that you are not alone and you are not some freak who just needs to "get over it." What you do need, is to "get through it." And the way to do that is with professional help, maybe even medication for a time, and most importantly you need to look at yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and begin to recognize triggers in your life that may begin a cycle of depression for you. If you can break those triggers, or begin to control them, you will feel a bit better. If devastating loss is the center of your depression, you must try to realize that your life is still unfinished - you have more to accomplish. It does not mean the pain will go away, but know that those who love you, even in death, will always love you and they want you to go on. Carry their spirit and life within you and they will help you get through it. And don't be ashamed or too proud to run to others who love you or lean on those who can be of support - a doctor, a minister, a neighbor, a friend. They can shield you from the storm. Do give yourself the chance. Do believe that you are worth it. Do believe that you can find the reasons to go on, even if it takes a bit longer, even if at this very moment, life seems worthless and unbearable. As Josh Groban sings in one of his hit songs..."Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world, when your heart's heavy, I, I will lift it for you." I pray that you find strength and that your heart is lifted.

Thank you to all my friends; to all my Mom's friends, especially our neighbors from Ridge Road...really, you are my family, and I am forever grateful. Even though the miles may separate us, you are all in my heart.