This one will always be for you...

WITHOUT YOU
I recall an impression…while initial, something severely stronger than a glance or a touch. As each moment passed, hours becoming days, beginning to border on a year, the image was now concrete – it was you…always you, from the moment I saw your face. I have loved others; I have cared for many, but somehow in this snapshot of time, you have pierced my soul like no other. Poetry, so often allowing me to express myself when all other forms of communication fail me, seems rather insignificant and unintelligible as I hold it up to the light of my passion for you, but it is what I have to offer you now:

You are the rays of sun that dance on the water at sunset on the river. You are the fire that snaps and sparks in the roaring fireplace in the mountains on a frigid day. You are laughter from a bus of grade school students on their way to see the safari for the first time. You are stars and diamonds and strawberries and stained glass and a multitude of brightly colored roses along a white picket fence in the south of France. You are, all that I have wished for. You are…my love.

But alas…all that I feel for you, like an enormous wave breaking on the sand, washes back from whence it came and the reality comes clear – the picture in my mind is only that – a fantasy of images that I created for us without your approval; without your consent. And now I am beside myself with grief. I have lost you before I ever won you. Not that you were a prize or a raffle or a trip for two to an exotic port (although I have dreamt of us together in such a place). I could never think of you so trivially. And yet, while my heart should be full, as we have shared so many stories; laughed about our lives and come to call one another friend – indeed I should be grateful…I am somehow destroyed. As if the half-full glass I have struggled to envision for my life has a hole in the bottom, which can not be repaired – eternally empty. I am forced to ponder age old questions that have haunted greater minds than mine and stumped the geniuses of our age. Why do I love you so? Why can’t you see what I see; feel what I feel? Why do you incapacitate me and flood my senses with emotions that possess me? Why has the journey led me to this moment if we two can not be one? I do not have the power to force your feelings and yet I can not eliminate my own. I am left, in this shadow of a dream, standing alone, compelled to watch you from a distance as you flourish and find your way…without me.

Rainy days and mondays...

always get me down. LOVE The Carpenters. In case you are in the dark (not because of the rain, but because of this post so far) Rainy Days and Mondays was a hit song that went gold for The Carpenters. It was written by Paul Williams and Roger Nichols. Here is a link to a performance of this song on YouTube. I have to say, when I searched and found this today, I did cry. A true and special vocalist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPmbT5XC-q0

Actually, I'm not doing so bad today. Completely pooped from the weekend and all I have to do, but not so bad. I promised another poem and painting so here they are. Enjoy!

AT LAKES EDGE

The waves walk upon the sand.
The air of dusk runs through my nostrils.
The leaves waltz together one last time - yellow, red and orange.
I limp...exhuasted and worn.

I see you pass me, all of you, walking hand in hand;
sharing your warmth in love and in lust.
I share mine this night with the autumn clouds -
the water-worn sea gulls;
the muffled sound of Dixieland Jazz in the distance.

Again I am alone.
In the deepest corner of my soul,
I feel the chill that nothing,
not even your heated hands in front of the fire
can warm.

And I have hurt you and you me,
and our dream of perfection has wilted away -
creating the ordinary.

The painting is Sailboats at the Lake, acrylic on poster board by my Mom, Genevieve Riviere

It's a new day!

Even though life is often difficult and challenges abound, it is never too late to begin again, to start over, to take a new road or step into a different light. A few years ago I was afraid to start again, or try again, or approach at a different angle. This past year has brought me some tempered patience and a more mature approach to life. It's about time don't ya think? And with that renewed hope I step into another chapter of my life. Now...before I get lost in this comfort zone, I won't fool myself or anyone reading into thinking I have found nirvana. I am fully aware that tomorrow may find me in shadows and confusion...but I trust that I am coming to a place in which I can handle it just a bit better and find my out just a bit easier.

I have made the decision to stay at JDRF and will work two days at the office and two at home. I am happy with this decision as I do respect Dr. G and feel this situation will allow me the extra time I need to work on ASTC and to write.

Rehearsals for Mass Appeal are GREAT! It is so wonderful to be working on a play again after so long. Michael Menger is an amazing director - you can find him at www.michaelmenger.com
and my co-worker at JDRF (and more importantly my friend) Jim Richard, is so terrific as Mark Dolson. I feel so alive when we're working together - I am grateful.

I have also met someone...taking it VERY slow, but it is nice to have possibilities. I've already been picking lots of zucchini from the garden and some rasberries as well. Looking forward to the tomatoes and cucumbers.

I plan to post another one of my poems from the book, along with another one of my Mom's paintings in the next week so stay tuned...and hopefully I will have some of her art for sale really soon.

Don't forget to visit www.allseasonstheatre.org to find out all about the show!

So much is going on!

I have so much to share that I can't possibly do it all in this post...so...just a quick synopsis...


I resigned from JDRF
I spent an amazing and glorious week in Provincetown Mass - one of my favorite places in the whole world
I had a great interview at the Performing Arts Center in Peekskill
I have been invited to interview for the Arts Administrator position at The High School for the Performing Arts in NYC
I have started rehearsals for MASS APPEAL
I am volunteering at my old job to help with The Summer Concerts on the Hudson
I may reconsider and stay at JDRF if they can cope with my needs
I have to pick the finalists for my new headshots
So many people are raving about my mother's artwork and wanting to buy it, hang it in restaurants, present shows, etc., that I am looking into getting giclees of her work.

More to come later and here is a link to purchase tickets for the show and a link to the free summer concerts...enjoy!

www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

http://www.hrpac.org/

Some photos from the shoot

So...I am even more amazed now that I have the almost 500 shots from the shoot. Unreal. Digital is amazing! And color! My first time for color. In any case, these are a few, not necessarily favorites of Eric, or even mine, but some shots I just pulled. Keep in mind these are not touched up or tweaked at all - just some raw shots...the one with the pug is most fun. When I have narrowed it down to less than 50, I will send them out to some of my trusted colleagues and advisers for opinions and then will have to narrow it down to the top five. Once I have those, I will post them and then choose the two I'll have re-touched (if I even need it) and they will be the ones I get reproduced.

Stay tuned...

Finding magnificent souls along the way

There are times, when you meet someone, and you immediately feel like you are in the presence of an old friend. And those moments, those experiences with that individual, that spirit, that soul, are so immensely powerful and true - there is a connection that you can not explain, but realize you don't need to...it is understood. The words flow effortlessly, the stories fly from your lips with an ease and a trust that is uncanny. Laughter and kindness, honesty and candor, camaraderie and excitement - this is neither the beginning or the end.

Today was one of those days for me. It was already going to be special as I was meeting with a photographer to take my headshots (something I have not done in over 10 years and certainly a move that signals my want to return to my acting roots). His name is Eric Laurits. Coming to meet me at the car was this charming, electric and sunny young man, carrying his camera and tri-pod and his book bag. Even if you didn't stop to say hello to him...even if it was not you he was meeting...you could sense from a distance his warmth and his good nature. But once we began to speak to one another, to share stories and question one another about our lives, it became strikingly evident that we were "picking up" from another place or time. It was so natural to talk and share with this person, to laugh and commiserate, to reveal truths and understand that we were both being understood. And so today, I feel very lucky to have met another journeyman in this crazy world, making the best of his life, no, much more than the best of it. He is sharing his gifts and his craft with others and working to help others strengthen their own craft. And most impressive to me was his humanity, his ability to articulate thoughts and reveal himself - I am almost 20 years his senior and yet I knew I was in the presence of someone very wise and very mature, yet down-to-earth and humble. God! I relish these moments, these meetings, these people who cross my path. They make me grateful for life and for words and for feelings and for expression.

For those of you who are not actors, the headshot, is one of the most important tools we have - it is our calling card; the first introduction we have to our work and our lives. There are tons of photographers out there, and quite a few headshot photographers, but the really great ones have a sensitivity to the work, to the person they are shooting, to try and bring out the essence of this actor, the characters he/she plays, the type of work they like to do. Actors will often admit that they are tense and nervous no matter how many times they get their shots taken because they feel they have to get THE shot. Today, I was relaxed and comfortable, just sharing with my new friend who happened to be taking pictures of me. It was clear after two and a half hours that we had gotten lots of THE shot but more importantly we had gotten to know one another and connected.

Reflecting upon it makes it seem almost surreal, and yet it also underlines for me the fact that things happen for a purpose; there is a reason for such beginnings - whether immediately clear to us or that which will be revealed at a later time.

So of course, I have to share. I enjoy promoting gifted people when I can. If you are an actor who needs headshots, or (and I forgot to mention this earlier) a couple planning your wedding (wedding photos are a passion of his) follow this link, enjoy his work and get in touch with him His website can be found at http://www.ericlaurits.com/

Thank you Eric...as darkness falls across the land of our lives, as it can from time to time, it is clear that you are a beacon of light and I say, "Shine on my friend, shine on!"

Just take a day at a time

That's what my Mom always used to say. She was a wise lady. Sometimes, that is all you can do, especially when all else seems lost or your way seems so unclear. I haven't been to work all week and hope I can climb out of this funk soon. I was in the recording studio yesterday working on the CD for our PIE Holiday Story Series. I thought that would pull me out of my depression, but it didn't. Maybe because everything with ASTC in these first few years has been such a struggle - it always seems like a fight to get anything accomplished. Getting people to believe in the arts and moreover, getting them to support the arts, is a "hard row to hoe." Another phrase my Mom used to use.

Well, in honor of her life, and in her memory, I will try and make tomorrow a little better than today. As she got older, she tried to take everything in stride and appreciate what she had and realize that life wasn't so bad. When anyone would ask her how she was, she would simply say, "I'm doing pretty good for an old lady!"

I hope some of her attitude will find its way into my consciousness. I miss her.

Here is another one of her paintings...Shadows, oil on canvas board

A new poem

I SHOUT TO THE BIRDS

My heart pounds in my chest, so hard that it feels like thousands of wings beating against a cage. I take deep breaths, as everyone so often advises, and yet that only makes me dizzy; unable to see the choices that lay ahead of me. But in truth, the path is never clear to me, even in my most focused and cognizant moments; and there always seems to be thick barbed vines and jagged branches through which I must cut myself or circumvent. Is this my complete picture; my destiny revealed? I will not allow myself to submit to that narrow vision – even in the darkest hours of my existence, as I suffocate with my own tortured truths – I must go on. I shout to the birds…not the ones in the cage of course, for their plight is no better than my own (indeed it is worse), but to the birds in the heavens. Sing to me you soaring birds and from your vantage cry out the directions that may lead me to a better road; to a purpose that has meaning! I will strain to hear you until the last, even as my heartbeat grows faint and my breath becomes shallow. I am listening.

I'm feeling really low...

So...from hopeful and empowered back to the halls of shadows where most of my life seems to reside. The last few days at work just about did me in. I will share with you that I have very little tolerance for "power." It makes me rebellious. I am not a good subordinate; never have been and I am always surprised to recall that I have NEVER been fired from a job. I am an honest, shoot from the hip, big mouth, who says what I feel and never allows title or power or position to sway my truth.

Two days ago, someone in a much higher position was rude to me and I took him to task, reducing him to a speechless blather. Afterwords I sent an email to my superiors to share the unpleasantness and basically say I was finished dealing with this person. My immediate boss took me to task and basically gave me an ultimatum - apologize or walk (after I had already threatened resignation). At first I said, "Not a chance in hell." And in the past I have always stood my ground on things like this - it is a matter of justice in my eyes. PLEASE don't tell me how much power this person has, or how many degrees they hold, or how many official titles they have because it will just strengthen my resolve to battle them even more. I am tired of people saying, "Oh that is just the way he/she is. Just ignore them," or "Just be patient with them...take it and move on." What about me? Why can't I just be who I am without repercussions? The double standard makes me nuts! If someone stood up to them in the past with this behavior, maybe they wouldn't act this way.

I don't ever like to hurt people, but if someone attacks me, or belittles me, or makes me feel like an ass, I will always defend myself - with venom if necessary. I am no better or worse than anyone else. If you treat me with respect, there is no job, no minutia too low for me - Christ! I'll clean your toilets if you need me to, but do not throw your power around. Do not presume that you are better or know more than I do. Do not disrespect me because you think you can, or because you think I should just take it.

So to end this little diatribe, I did it...that which I thought I would never do. I apologized. I think I killed a small piece of my soul today. And before you misunderstand, I ALWAYS apologize when I have done something wrong. Even when I haven't if the other person(s) involved mean something to me. But this, was, different. Someone I do not respect. Someone who makes a mess of things and bullies people and has no one to stop him. It was he who should have apologized to me. But, for the sake of others, for the sake of the bigger picture, I did apologize - I ate crow. And a part of me died. It is the first time in my life that I chose to do something that wasn't true for me - it wasn't the choice I would have made. In my life I have never regretted much - I have quit jobs on a dime to fight the power, to protect colleagues, to highlight injustice, whatever. I never cared because I know that my work ethic is beyond reproach and I have always worked beyond what was expected.

This has led me back into the darkness. And while I am familiar with these corridors, I was hoping to stay out of them for a bit longer. I don't know what the future holds now. My life seems so out of control. The uncomfortableness with my job and the reality that pushing papers is not where my destiny lies; my failed relationship; my empty life.

I came home tonight and found solace in music. I used to sing so much more - it filled my soul - I need to sing again.

There's just a few more hours...

that's all the time I've got!

I am grateful for so much as I turn 41. Grateful for the melancholy Paris trip that found my consciousness at 2AM on June 2nd, 2006 and caused the tears to flow for a life unfulfilled; grateful for Teo and Jimmy, two amazing souls who have come into my life and given me hope and strength - even though our paths may someday lead us apart, we will always be together in spirit. I am grateful for simple pleasures: the burger and chocolate milk shake I had tonight (I can't remember the last time I had a shake); for Eric from Belgium who I met while eating that burger and who needed my help to determine what cheese he should get and then just sharing stories and the realization that we really are all the same at our core; the air-conditioned bus on a hot day; the circle of annuals in my back yard and the simple breeze that finds its way through the branches of the Japanese Maple and rings the chimes on the garage. Grateful for David's nephew Nicholas who calls me "Uncle Pot" and always wants me to be wherever he is - his expressions of wonderment remind me of what life really is all about; for memories of blissful moments and family. I am grateful for the haunting and true lyrics of an Indigo Girls song like Closer to Fine (which I have been sharing with everyone lately); for physical connections and passionate kisses; for pain that allows my eventual joy to shout out with gladness. And yes, grateful for David, most grateful, because even though it is not what we expected, what we planned; even though it may best be reflected by photos in an album, there has been so much good and so much experienced that I would not have ever experienced alone.

And as I feel this gratitude, I am startled to a truth that corrects my earlier evaluation of one year ago - my life has not been wasted or unfulfilled or meaningless - indeed it has been full and grand and powerful. I am certain that there is so much more for me to do, so many more answers to be revealed. "I've gotta lotta livin' to do!"

And the journey has just begun.

I hope the Indigo Girls don't mind but since I've been sharing...

CLOSER TO FINE
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah
well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine