AN ODE TO THE PLANETS

AN ODE TO THE PLANETS

Spherical and cosmic; I have longed to travel to your borders,

escaping into the eternity of time you represent.

Each of your names is embedded into memory -

childhood repetition and science fairs and museum visits;

books and drawings and even jokes about some of you.

You are an exploration and an explanation for all that is and was and can be:

revolving, spinning, following a path that passes each and every one of us in orbit.

If I simply go out each evening,

away from the cities and over-lit avenues,

I can glance skyward and search for you.

So fitting that many of your names are of the gods

so mythical and mighty that only you dare take those names.

I know you by your order,

but understand it is not by age or size or importance that I announce your existence,

but by your distance from the sun:

Mercury, Venus, my Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and yes ... Pluto.

Funny that our own evolution causes us to think of you less,

look for you less, speak of you less.

Only astrologers and astronomers invoke your names as if you had importance.

But you are all important to me

for it is on your behemoth backs that I have dared to dream of stardom

of space travel of star wars and star treks.

Imagination was ignited by your mystery and magic,

whether earth or rock or gas or ice, it did not matter.

What mattered were the possibilities that you offered;

the reasons for the struggle and the fight.

I salute you and thank you, for you have offered me the presence of a dream.

I. Mercury

Named for the Roman god of commerce, travel and thievery

you have been described as "eccentric."

Your temperature fluctuation is the most erratic of the planets

and so perhaps you are bi-polar.

But as you are the first that I remember,

I do not care that only part of your face has been mapped

or that your proximity to the flaming ball of energy

centering our solar system

makes it rather difficult to view you,

even at twilight,

because regardless ... i know you are there.

II. Venus

If you will, allow me to invoke your name

as you are the brightest in the evening sky;

certainly as the winter turns to spring

and snow melts to find the crocuses and daffodils.

As Earth's sister, the goddess of love and beauty,

I admire you and have looked to you in those clear dusk skies

and even when the sun has hidden herself away.

But I admit I could not stay with you ...

for a year with you is literally more than a lifetime,

and your pools of refreshing water have long since deserted you.

III. Earth

My home, my perspective, my history and future.

So much has been said of you by far greater than I: Galileo and Copernicus, Aristotle,

Socrates and the like, Keats and Frost and Dickenson, da Vinci and Edison.

Pondering their greatness and yours I am feeling rather minuscule.

You are however, the very essence of my being - the planet of life.

And while we are wrapped with more knowledge about you than any of the others,

will that be enough to save and cherish you in the end?

Special is your moon that has been visited by few and worshiped by many,

whether waxing or waning, the light in the still of the night.

Fitting that your name is unique, for it is you who hold the key to the universe;

the beings and creatures and living things that inhabit your orb

will ultimately find the answers, or die trying.

IV. Mars

As the red planet of war

you have driven science fiction that haunts our dreams

and peaks our curiosity of extra-terrestrial.

From what we know, your terrain is spectacular,

highlighted by permanent ice caps.

And while you are rather small, contemplation abounds

that you have life or might support part of ours.

Would you want us?

If perchance I found myself amidst your chill I would be adventurous I think

and climb your highest mountain - the highest in all the galaxy;

to stand on top of Olympus Mons ...

I think only gods know such elevation; such perspective.

V. Jupiter

You are enormous!

A huge globe - unimaginable mass.

In fact, you are the largest planet by far.

Appropriately King of the gods,

your zones and belts of colorful gas are like a painter's pallet.

Ironic to me that you are often called the wandering star ...

while I know that reference to you is more poetic than factual,

it allows my sense of awe to be tempered

with something more familiar;

maybe as I fancy myself a bit of a wanderer.

Nonetheless, you are a giant among giants.

VI. Saturn

Ring around the planet, a pocket full of moons ...

We have known you since prehistoric times,

but you confused and confounded us as we passed through

the plane of your rings every few years.

Those very rings, no longer exclusive,

would give us great challenge as we constructed

our solar system projects of fruit, Styrofoam balls and other crafts.

While others begin to boast what was once yours alone,

have no fear

as your bold bands continue to be the brightest and the most defined.

VII. Uranus

You are like those given names that sometimes haunt them.

Mispronounced; over-pronounced, it is your very utterance

that gives you popularity.

Hidden behind the snickers and shrugs, unknown to most,

are some marvelous truths:

You were the first planet discovered in modern times;

your moons, Juliet, Ophelia, Puck and Trinculo, to name a few,

are specially and specifically Shakespearean;

and your rotating axis (no pun intended)

is such a perplexity, no one can agree on which of your poles is north!

For all of us who have ever felt the sting of ridicule

you represent us in majesty.

VIII. Neptune

An apology is in order, as of all nine planets,

I have thought about you least and yet I cannot

articulate the reason why.

Most likely it is because you are more ordinary than the other distants -

like a middle child who is less attended

for reasons that have no rhyme or reason.

Looking at your hue however

I am mesmerized by blue ... blue like crystal waters

(or as your name invokes, the sea)

or summer skies or sapphire stones on a black velvet board.

In understanding that your winds would trump our wildest tornadoes

and summon the very breath of God,

I won't make the mistake of misplacing you again.

IX. Pluto

I know that you have been demoted

but I refuse to ignore you or degrade your original status,

especially because we have never even visited you.

And while you are the smallest, (smaller than earth's own moon)

and now considered a dwarf,

I am reminded of the phrase, "Big things come in little packages."

Like the underworld, you are perpetually dark.

You are like an abstract; a contemplation; an enigma.

In spite of that, your peculiarity and obscurity

have made you as popular as any other body in our vast sky,

as we squint through our most powerful telescopes to find you.

Finally, you are all, fundamental marvels.

No wizard or king or dictator or president;

not even the gods for whom you are named,

can deny your greatness or overthrow your influence or authority.

You are ultimately so magnificent -

mobile, suspended, embryonic and yet everlasting.

To each of you I articulate my honor and respect

shouting it out

to the vastness of your frontiers.

NOTE: This is not a "true" ode in the sense of structure. More modern odes have held more to the specific nature of honoring something and that is what this does. I was invited, as I may have mentioned to you before to submit a work to Isotope, a journal of literary nature and science writing. While the poem was not chosen for publication, I am most proud of it.

Where am I going to?

Don't ask anymore. I'm feeling rather lost today...not surprising after the latest sequence of events in my life. But I keep wondering how much of this is my own doing? If I made choice B instead of A, would my life be drastically different? Do I really control my own destiny?

Before I blather on too much longer I have to share the drama of last night. So i have been very depressed since the closing of the show and the realization that the object of my affection and love is never going to feel the same way - indeed I sobbed myself to sleep on Thursday night listening to the radio and it seemed that every song spoke of my lonliness and despair. Now move forward 24 hours to last night. I decided after work to stay in the city, alone, and have a couple drinks, grab a bite to eat and go home and feel sorry for myself a bit more. Instead, I had the two drinks (cosmos), went to eat at Healthy Burger and then proceeded to have a bit of an attack on the subway platform. I got to the token booth clerk who called an ambulance and then i hit the deck. I've had these spells before, but they usually happen in the middle of the night so I just deal with them at home and they pass. Nothing conclusive has ever been found so I don't really worry about it. But this was embarrassing because I was in public. The paramedics came, put me in the ambulance, and were convinced it wasn't so bad. That is until I was hit with another spell and they started to panic (one of them said my lips were turning grey).

So...I went to the hospital, was in the emergency room for several hours while they took tests and gave me an IV and then they let me go. Said it was just dehydration and stress.

Stress -
A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression. (that is my favorite and most accurate definition from the American Heritage Dictionary).

Now back to my post question. Where do I go from here? Figuring that one out may be the biggest challenge of my life. I have to start by making some strong choices for my life - and finding a way to get out of this house is probably the first one. Letting go of a love that can't love me also tops the list. But when I look at those two choices alone, that is exactly where it leaves me...alone...and that scares me.

Forgive me for another rant which only has questions and few answers. And forgive me for sounding as if my life is so awful - I know full well that compared to many, my life is just great and I am grateful for it. It's the perfectionist in me that gets me into trouble - always feeling I can do better and that my world should be better.

I know, I know...still owe you the planets - coming soon!

Another closing...maybe the last

I don't really know where to begin. I suppose with gratitude to the handful of people that made this show a success - that really cared about presenting something better than just good. And it was better than good. Everyone who saw it commented on the professional look of the show and how impressed they were with the production. Granted, we didn't have the houses I would have liked, but those that saw it, loved it. And what more can you ask for in the end. Thank you to Michael Menger, an incredible director; Daniel Schaedle, an amazing TD and Stage Manager; my co-star, Jim Richard who I love from the bottom of my insane heart; Andrew Drew and David Tonkin for being the main support for this show; and of course to the audience and the donors who made this show possible.

Now, "to the pain," as Cary Elwes declares in PRINCESS BRIDE. There are literally hundreds of people from this area that have been colleagues of mine, and many who have been friends (certainly when they come to my house and eat my food and drink my booze) that did not come to see this show. Not only that, but they did not even have the decency to say, "Hey, can't make it," or "Listen, wish I could be there...break a leg."

I had a friend in college who used to literally "white people out" of his book when they acted like assholes or when they didn't get back to him after three tries. I don't have a book like that, but I did make a point to eliminate 70 emails from my personal database tonight. These people do not deserve my attention or my care or concern or love. They are not my friends and I do not care if I ever hear from them again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Sometimes, it is important to realize that we do not need "numbers" of people to care about us. The handful of people that we can really count on - the one person who loves us for who we are. That is what matters...that is what counts.

If you have a best friend who is always there for you, call them, email them, tell them how much they mean to you. If someone is in love with you, be grateful for that love and try to give it back. It is so rare.

The show is over, the strike will take place tomorrow and then it will all be a memory. ASTC is all but finished. But I am ok with it. A new chapter will begin. I must believe that. You must believe it too!

"Here's to us...who's like us? Damn few!" From MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG by Stephen Sondheim. I know I have promised you Ode to the Planets...it will come soon.

Another opening...another show!

Well...MASS APPEAL opened last night to a small house, but a very receptive one. I am so proud of the work that has been done on this show - I believe it is a real quality production. And from an acting standpoint, I feel this has been an amazing learning experience for me...not just as an actor but as a person. I can't thank Jim Richard, Michael Menger and Dan Schaedle enough for everything. It has been a great journey guys, and we must all be proud of the work.

As for the rest of the administrative stuff with the show - bleck! It has been a nightmare and exhausting beyond belief - more than usual. And getting audience is also a real challenge.

Whatever the outcome at the end of the run, I am grateful that I did it. Grateful for the people and for the script (thank you Bill) and for the time to "play in the sandbox" as I have said many times before.

All the wrong reasons

Sometimes...I think we humans get caught up in fantasy...in scenarios we hope can be true for us. We want them so bad that we make decisions based on what we hope will happen, or what we want to happen, even if those decisions are not the best for us. I'm not saying we shouldn't take chances or have dreams (i would be the biggest hypocrite alive if I said that), but I am beginning to learn that sometimes, you can do something that you think is right, for all the wrong reasons. And sometimes, that ends up being a house of cards that comes crashing down on your head and makes your life seem foolish, or more accurately, you feel like the fool. My mother used to say, "Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best." I heard an interview with Nancy Reagan and someone asked her about that, or she said she had a friend who lived by that philosophy and she refused to live that way. She basically said you must just work for the best. I think she might be right. That is more "the glass is half full approach." I really am trying to live more like that, but it seems that no matter how hard i try, at a variety of things, I find myself feeling like a failure or a fool. Stupid really - someone just the other night told me that my trouble is, that I want perfection. Thanks again Mom (you know I love ya, wherever you are resting). But it's true...I have always tried to be perfect and I let myself down all the time, because how CAN we be perfect, ever? And I feel like I let other people down too.

Getting back to my first point and then I will close. I think, as I get older, I want to take actions and begin relationships and start projects for the right reasons. I want to go in knowing why and if I am going to do something, I want to do it without expectations, without needing something in return from someone or some thing. Is that realistic? Especially with matters of the heart? Or am I playing the fool with that idea as well?

I just know that recently, I set out on a course, and I think I packed for that journey for the wrong reasons. I built up this fantasy that if I did a, b and c, then the outcome would be what I wanted. And it isn't. Even if ultimately, the project that is attached to all of this is fantastic and successful, the actual dream that I had will not be reality...and that hurts. Actually, it sucks! Is any of this real? Is this thing on?

Next time...at least at this point in my life, I can still say there can be a next time. We just have to keep trying. Just keep trying.

I think I really am from another planet

So most of the time, as I travel through my life on this earth, I think that I am an alien - foreign to so many of the people around me; feeling so often like I am in the twilight zone. When I run into people that seem to "get" me, I wonder if they are from my home planet? Of course I am not speaking literally, although I often wonder about life in the universe and certainly life after death. I have a strong sense that there is something beyond this realm of consciousness.

I am so tired right now that I wish I was a polar bear and that it was time for my hibernation to begin - I feel like I could sleep for days and not even be bothered that time had passed me by.

My only wish right now, is to have a great run of the show and know, once it is over, that it was great work. The rest, will reveal itself as it is supposed to. Philosophically, I can say that is what I know to be true...too bad I really can't live my life that way. I am impatient and dark and often feel cheated - and certainly, most of the time, i feel lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.

Phone home...phone home.

Speaking of outer space - I wrote a poem about the planets which I will post next time. It is an ode that I wrote after being invited by a magazine to submit something (they didn't end up publishing it - losers). Anyway...until then...

Gaze at the heavens and know that the stars are shining for you - and even when you can not see them, you must believe that their glow can illuminate your soul and light the pathways of your experiences. I wish that for you.

The show opens in two weeks!

So yes...I am really starting to get nervous. Normally, when I do a show now, I am JUST doing the show. It has been a long time since I have been working a regular job, doing so much of the "other stuff" for a show, and acting in it. Plus, since this is just a two-person play, it is A LOT for the two of us. Getting off book (for lay folks that means being completely memorized) has been tough for me this time around. So many distractions. I know it will all be great, I am just really nervous. Did I say that already? So here is a rehearsal photo to get you excited about coming to see it. And here is the link to the ticket/information site.

http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

What are you waiting for? Get those tickets early before we're sold out!!! I can dream can't I?

By the way, the photo is by Michael Menger and left to right is: Jim Richard and me!

This one will always be for you...

WITHOUT YOU
I recall an impression…while initial, something severely stronger than a glance or a touch. As each moment passed, hours becoming days, beginning to border on a year, the image was now concrete – it was you…always you, from the moment I saw your face. I have loved others; I have cared for many, but somehow in this snapshot of time, you have pierced my soul like no other. Poetry, so often allowing me to express myself when all other forms of communication fail me, seems rather insignificant and unintelligible as I hold it up to the light of my passion for you, but it is what I have to offer you now:

You are the rays of sun that dance on the water at sunset on the river. You are the fire that snaps and sparks in the roaring fireplace in the mountains on a frigid day. You are laughter from a bus of grade school students on their way to see the safari for the first time. You are stars and diamonds and strawberries and stained glass and a multitude of brightly colored roses along a white picket fence in the south of France. You are, all that I have wished for. You are…my love.

But alas…all that I feel for you, like an enormous wave breaking on the sand, washes back from whence it came and the reality comes clear – the picture in my mind is only that – a fantasy of images that I created for us without your approval; without your consent. And now I am beside myself with grief. I have lost you before I ever won you. Not that you were a prize or a raffle or a trip for two to an exotic port (although I have dreamt of us together in such a place). I could never think of you so trivially. And yet, while my heart should be full, as we have shared so many stories; laughed about our lives and come to call one another friend – indeed I should be grateful…I am somehow destroyed. As if the half-full glass I have struggled to envision for my life has a hole in the bottom, which can not be repaired – eternally empty. I am forced to ponder age old questions that have haunted greater minds than mine and stumped the geniuses of our age. Why do I love you so? Why can’t you see what I see; feel what I feel? Why do you incapacitate me and flood my senses with emotions that possess me? Why has the journey led me to this moment if we two can not be one? I do not have the power to force your feelings and yet I can not eliminate my own. I am left, in this shadow of a dream, standing alone, compelled to watch you from a distance as you flourish and find your way…without me.

Rainy days and mondays...

always get me down. LOVE The Carpenters. In case you are in the dark (not because of the rain, but because of this post so far) Rainy Days and Mondays was a hit song that went gold for The Carpenters. It was written by Paul Williams and Roger Nichols. Here is a link to a performance of this song on YouTube. I have to say, when I searched and found this today, I did cry. A true and special vocalist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPmbT5XC-q0

Actually, I'm not doing so bad today. Completely pooped from the weekend and all I have to do, but not so bad. I promised another poem and painting so here they are. Enjoy!

AT LAKES EDGE

The waves walk upon the sand.
The air of dusk runs through my nostrils.
The leaves waltz together one last time - yellow, red and orange.
I limp...exhuasted and worn.

I see you pass me, all of you, walking hand in hand;
sharing your warmth in love and in lust.
I share mine this night with the autumn clouds -
the water-worn sea gulls;
the muffled sound of Dixieland Jazz in the distance.

Again I am alone.
In the deepest corner of my soul,
I feel the chill that nothing,
not even your heated hands in front of the fire
can warm.

And I have hurt you and you me,
and our dream of perfection has wilted away -
creating the ordinary.

The painting is Sailboats at the Lake, acrylic on poster board by my Mom, Genevieve Riviere

It's a new day!

Even though life is often difficult and challenges abound, it is never too late to begin again, to start over, to take a new road or step into a different light. A few years ago I was afraid to start again, or try again, or approach at a different angle. This past year has brought me some tempered patience and a more mature approach to life. It's about time don't ya think? And with that renewed hope I step into another chapter of my life. Now...before I get lost in this comfort zone, I won't fool myself or anyone reading into thinking I have found nirvana. I am fully aware that tomorrow may find me in shadows and confusion...but I trust that I am coming to a place in which I can handle it just a bit better and find my out just a bit easier.

I have made the decision to stay at JDRF and will work two days at the office and two at home. I am happy with this decision as I do respect Dr. G and feel this situation will allow me the extra time I need to work on ASTC and to write.

Rehearsals for Mass Appeal are GREAT! It is so wonderful to be working on a play again after so long. Michael Menger is an amazing director - you can find him at www.michaelmenger.com
and my co-worker at JDRF (and more importantly my friend) Jim Richard, is so terrific as Mark Dolson. I feel so alive when we're working together - I am grateful.

I have also met someone...taking it VERY slow, but it is nice to have possibilities. I've already been picking lots of zucchini from the garden and some rasberries as well. Looking forward to the tomatoes and cucumbers.

I plan to post another one of my poems from the book, along with another one of my Mom's paintings in the next week so stay tuned...and hopefully I will have some of her art for sale really soon.

Don't forget to visit www.allseasonstheatre.org to find out all about the show!