Overcast...

Maybe it's just me, but I feel so much of my life is struggling to get through the overcast skies of my life. I always feel like storm clouds are over my head or threatening. I feel certain that I am always searching for the sun, and when it peaks through I am grateful for it and very excited and energized in those moments, but then they are gone. Is it my personality? Is it my clinical depression? Is it my circumstances? Am I just a miserable, cynical, S.O.B. who can't ever be happy? (Don't answer that). Can I at least find a way to have the sun be out a little longer?

Well...in addition to my figurative overcast sky today, it is also "literally" overcast. And as you know by now, rainy days and Mondays...

Yesterday was another great day of auditions and I confronted some ghosts from the past (in people I had not seen in years) and overall it was a sunshiny day...but the clouds did move in once I got home...alone...as usual. I feel that loneliness is becoming this regular state of mind for me. In truth, it is an actuality - I am alone right now in my life and not sure I am handling it all that well. I miss being in love; I miss having my family with me; I miss sharing a life with someone. Ah well, overcast and gray...what a day, what a day.

So today, as much as I didn't want to get out of bed after my big audition day yesterday, I forced myself to go out in the rain, pick up a dear friend Kay and take her to see a concert at the UBS Atrium. She reminds me a great deal of my Mom and I know she is lonely too and often depressed. Seeing her light up and smile when I get together with her is a wonderful gift. And we always have wonderful talks about life and theater and music and people and the "way the world used to be." She is a wonderful lady and I wish I could take some of her pain away, but alas, our time together always must come to an end and she rushes to get inside so I don't see her tears. She doesn't know that I cry them too. It is hard to be alone and have so much time on your hands, no matter what age you are.

But let me share a bit about the concert and bring a ray of light into this diatribe. The concert is put on by The Hudson Riverfront Performing Arts Center (where I worked for a year as Assistant Director) and Bruce Sherman who is working his butt off to try and see this arts center built on the riverfront in Weehawken. There is a summer concert series and then today kicked off the UBS Atrium Series Concerts. The Quartet today was amazing and it was great fun to be there.

If you are in the tri-state area you should know about what Bruce and HRPAC are trying to do and come see a concert - they are free and open to the public and the variety and caliber of music is unmatched. Click on the homepage image below to be taken to the website.

Another moment for music

Music has played such an important role in my life. My Mom loved music...my Dad had his own Country Western Trio for years. I've been singing since I was four and played instruments since I was six. I just feel music and lyrics can express so many amazing things in a way that touches a variety of the senses. And with the dawn of the internet and YouTube and blogs, you can see it and hear it and feel it - well, you get the idea. As much as some of this technology makes me think we've lost a part of those "simple days of yester-year," I also am so grateful for all of it. Sharing with you again, I hope you enjoy this song.

This is Michael Johnson singing Bluer Than Blue (a song I really love). I believe it was written by the great Barry Manilow.

Click here to listen to Bluer Than Blue

Losses come in all shapes and sizes

Well...both my teams lost tonight - the Yankees are out of it for the season and perhaps Joe Torre, a great manager, will be booted from the Bronx. Maybe worse was the complete last minute debacle of the Buffalo Bills who had the game won. "Not again!" I keep thinking. It's funny that I can get so wrapped up in a sporting event - pinning my hopes and emotions on something really intangible. And yet, when I am rooting, shouting and believing, it seems as important as anything. I would think that to be a healthy ritual, and yet, when my hopes are dashed...when my cheers turn to jeers, I find myself depressed - literally. And that can't be good. I guess I want to back winners so that I can feel like I'm a winner. Does that make any sense? I know that I have had success in so many things during my life but I have also had intense failure and obviously, as we all do, very personal loss.

I guess, that in the past year or so, I have been particularly sensitive to failure. I feel that ASTC has failed (for the most part); my 14 year relationship has failed and I often feel so alone; feelings for others always seem to be dashed when they don't feel the same; career opportunities pass me by; I find myself making irrational or maybe more accurately, rash choices.

It's funny. Whenever I am feeling any sort of extreme emotion (which is most of the time - I mean have I ever had an even-keeled moment in my life?) I always turn to music as my solace. When I am really joyful I want to sing and when I am really depressed I want to sing.

So tonight, I turned to one of my favorite groups from the past: THE LITTLE RIVER BAND. Usually, when I am down and out, I like to listen to music that many would find depressing. But actually, knowing that someone else has felt the way I do, always gives me hope.

I share these two songs with you from YouTube...I really love them - the first is really how I am feeling lately. "I'm getting lost in the crowd...hear me crying out loud. Just want you to know, I know that you had to go. It's all up to you but whatever you do, take it easy on me." The second is actually sung by Player singer, Peter Beckett. And there are other great hits by this group - click their name above to go to their official website and you'll be amazed at all the hits they had and hopefully you'll be REMINISCING!

TAKE IT EASY ON ME

BABY COME BACK

More and more steps each day...

So each day that I find myself "back in the business" full time, is, for the moment, pretty exciting. Today I activated my own website http://www.patrickriviere.com/. It is not "up & running" yet, but it will be very soon and I am really excited about the way it's coming together. Thank you Michael!

I've also put my commercial mailing together to send out tomorrow and have narrowed down my search to find a new "legit" agent as well.

I've had two great auditions in the past week and...on Wednesday...I have THREE auditions, and then two on Friday! Not too bad. So here's hoping. Send me those good vibes on Wednesday!!!

Also, a quick shout out to the New York Yankees! I've loved them since I was a kid and my Mom would talk about her and her dad listening to games on the radio. Now, having gone to Yankee Stadium for some games, I know what the whole "baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet" is all about - of course it's about the money, but there is something deeper than that, in the team spirit, in rooting for something, cheering for someone or something to succeed. And then just the simple pleasure of a hot dog, a beer...it can be magical. OK...you think I am nuts, but if you didn't know that by now, you haven't been reading much of my blog! And since we're on sports I am also a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan (sad as that may seem to some). When you grew up an hour away, it was sort of a prerequisite.

In any case, here is a little something for all you Yankee Fans...

http://www.pinstripealley.com/

http://web.yesnetwork.com/index.jsp

Another incredible soul...

Meeting someone, like I met tonight, gives me hope - it refreshes my faith in humanity and sparks my essence, forcing me to think positively about life and all it's challenges.

I have always considered myself (at least in my adult years) to be someone who has a command with language; with words - using them to express myself in a way that is both truthful and at times, hopefully, poetic.

But I also realize, there are moments, like this evening, when language seems to languish, leaving me at a loss. I know, you have heard similar moans from me before, but maybe some scholar out there needs to invent some new words for me to use. For now, I am forced to use old ones - repeating myself I am sure, but certain that I must express it, here and now.

Remarkable is the first thought that comes into my consciousness as I ponder our exchanges tonight. The things you have gone through; the challenges presented to you. And yet, your spirit is filled with joy and love of life. Others might have wilted under the circumstances of your recent journey - giving up; turning to darkness in a world so often filled with shadows. Instead, like a lighthouse beacon cutting through the fog in the deepest part of the night, you shine and give strength to those you touch.

Wise and soulful also come to mind. You are connected to the universe in a way that is rare (at least in my experience) and you share it all without reserve or excuse or quandary. You remind me of what it might have been to have conversations with the true thinkers of a past age - Socrates or Aristotle. Although I know you would shun those comparisons and call me a fool for uttering them. Your humility is also something acutely apparent.

Finally, I can only speak of your presence and your warmth - something I am grateful to have glimpsed this evening - something I can only hope, I will catch sight of again soon.

I tell you this: Your eyes are like sparks that dance across the embers in a fantastic fire as it warms the dead winter's chill. Your smile...like a shooting star in the depths of the heavens, radiates a kindness almost startling and yet beguiling. Your soul, filled with a universal truth, gives hint to your wisdom. Your humanness, maybe most of all, flowing from you without pretense or pause. You are inspirational, to me, and most certainly to others, as the morning turns into day and tomorrow becomes yesterday. Grateful to have met you, is all my limited vocabulary can come up with - I do hope it will suffice.

Those we miss...

There are so many reasons why we miss people: they have left this world, they have moved away, they are forced away from us, they are fighting in wars, they leave, we push them away, life just takes us in different directions...it goes on.

Today I had a great "comeback" as it were to the audition scene - so much joy and excitement and energy. So many talented young people (I was the old guy among hundreds of twenty-somethings) but I made it thru "type out," sang my 16 bars, was asked to sing a song from the show, asked to move and then called back to dance. Ultimately the dancing did me in (I ain't the hoofer I used to be), but it felt great to make it so far on my first "open" audition in five years and my first dance call-back in ten! Daddy didn't do so bad!

But in the joy of it all, there were people I thought of, people I wanted to reach out to, to call, to touch. At that moment, my eyes began to well and I just...missed them. First and foremost, my family - Mom, Auntie Carm, Dad. How I miss the chance to talk to them, to hug them, to love them. I know they were with me today; giving me strength and bringing my best talents to the table. They watch from above.

And I miss you...you with the blue eyes and the sweet smile. Mostly I miss your soul - that spirit that sparked my love to begin with - and of course the words shared and the occasional simple touch. We haven't spoken now in almost two weeks. I know this loss is my own doing - you wait for me now to call you or write you but I can't bring myself to do it.

You are, simply...the one. I think of you every waking hour, without exception. And the nighttime does not shield me from you either. How I wish that this absence would make your heart grow fonder, but reality tells me it will not. Now that our project is finished and our days no longer connect us, do I ever cross your mind? You have stolen my heart. And today, in my ecstatic joy between call-backs I longed to reach you on my cell, to share this news with you. And at days end, I ached to meet you for dinner and catch up and share our lives. But I can not just be a friend to you. My feelings are already so much deeper than that. And as our time together became more frequent, it also became more uncomfortable - neither of us finding our footing. So I have finally let you go - actions speak louder than these words, right?

However, at days end, as the shadows creep along the side of the house and hide the roses in black, I miss you...terribly.

Starting over...

It really never is too late to start over - I mean as long as we're still breathing and believing, we can begin again. I'm taking that step right now. I left my job at JDRF and have decided to give my acting and writing career another chance. It's just time. It is a risk - a big one...but sometimes we have to have the courage to take risks and just take the leap.

My whole world has changed so much in the past six months - relationship lost, health crisis, unrequited love, job misery...just a general sense of feeling lost and alone in the big world. But doing the play last month probably saved me - it gave me the ability to believe in myself again - to believe that there is still hope; still a chance. A chance to start again.

And of course I am not alone. And what feeds me are the memories of my amazing work in the theatre and with such incredible artists.

So my road is familiar but also new. I look forward to the new beginning.

I wish for all of you, new beginnings.

Some show photos...

Thought I would post a few photos from MASS APPEAL. The photos were all taken by David Lopez and feature Jim Richard (as Mark Dolson) and me (as Father Farley). Click on photos to enlarge. Enjoy!

Waiting for it...

I have been waiting ... quietly (unlike me, I know) for something, anything really, to wake me from this dull sense that I am in a trance. You see, after the final curtain fell, I was alone again - an unhappy minstrel without his voice, without his song ... without his muse. That event is inevitable in this crazy business we call "show," and it repeats itself over and over and over again like some cruel joke - somehow each time taking a bit more of my soul it seems. And yet I am constantly drawn back for more: more life, more excitement, more growth, more connection, more love and pain and harmony and discord and ultimately, a kind of death. But under those lights, with the players, I am transformed - no, truthfully, I am alive, not just existing but really alive. How ironic it must seem to you - as I am taking on someone else, another character, one who is not me. And yet, I know, that all of them, whomever I "play," is another part of me. I get to express the fullness of me you see - I get to find more of me. I think only in those moments of that process am I really tasting the truth of life's essence; I am present with eyes and mind open, lungs fully expanded, ready to face it all - soaking it in like a sponge; throwing myself off the cliff of expression and daring to challenge myself for something more. So when it is finished (as it always is) I am distraught. Maybe the only other connection that brings this life can be found in true love. But alas, I have had it and lost it and found it now with another who does not share it. And so I wait ... for an answer - for a call - for the news - for the map - for the voice - for the words - for, "You are the one that I have been waiting for!"

Kellie Johnson - one of the most talented people on the planet...

and...I am proud to say, my friend!

Kellie Johnson is an extraordinary talent...there is just no other way to put it. I've had the great fortune to perform with Kellie in our cabaret, BROADWAY BOUND, but continuing any description of her with words is pointless...you need to see her and hear her for yourself. Thanks for being my buddy K. I love you!

These two clips are from Kellie Johnson: One Night Only, which was performed to a sold out crowd at Sharon Playhouse in Connecticut recently. Enjoy! And visit her website too! http://www.kelliejohnson.net/

CLICK ON PHOTO FOR YOUTUBE VIDEO OF MY MAMMIE


CLICK ON PHOTO FOR YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ANNIE GET YOUR GUN