As I look to my 41st Birthday

So I will be 41 on Saturday - I am a Gemini through and through. I suppose I could spin some thoughts about how I am feeling but I am not sure it is all that different from when I turned 40. Maybe the real difference is now I am ready to take some action and stop whining and complaining about things that make me miserable or depressed. I think that 2007 is meant to be a good year for me - 7 is my lucky number after all.

I will share some of my post P-Town thoughts from this memorial day weekend. I want to move to Provincetown Mass as soon as humanly possibly. Going up two or three times a year just isn't enough anymore. It was glorious! Commercial Street, the dinners at Lobster Pot, the drinks and amazing appetizers at Jimmy's Hideaway, the dunes, our friends who feel like extended family, the lobster on the pier - all of it is filled with life and beauty for me. I also feel that I observed this about myself - I am obsessive. Maybe I have always known it, but I really saw hard conscious examples. I need to let some of it go and I am certain that some of my anxiety an depression will be released with it. The trip also underlined my continued loneliness in my current relationship. Talking to people who have seen us year after year and mentioning 15 years seemed almost surreal to me. We are certainly best friends and enjoy doing certain things together, but there is no passion, no spark - we are not in love. And frankly, I miss that. I want to find it again.

So yes, it feels a bit like 40 but this year, I will take action!

Let me share another observation from my book - on turning 40!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I'm often lonely. It's no ones fault really; no one to blame. It is by choice, I suppose, at least some would say. I remember the days when crowds of laughter surrounded my banter. It didn't matter if they were laughing with me or at me; at least we were all having fun. I was the life of the party once ... have I told you that already? I don't care for parties now. It all changed when you showed me that the world was fool of fools and we two were the exception. My fault was in believing you and in the world proving you right. I imagine our dinners with Zinfandel, almost ice, and tastes of magnificent meals and conversation that kept my eyes from my watch. In the end, it wasn't enough, and I strayed and you disconnected and we gave up. After all, we were young and had our lives ahead of us. Better to go it alone. Better to go back to being who we were. Impossible I think. Now there is this mess I've made with these last twelve years; stumbling and searching for something, God knows what, and taking him along with me. The challenge of making him something he's not. It has failed miserably. We are lonelier together I think. In my consciousness I understand it and yet I can not pull the needle from this record. I did with you, didn't I? But age does have a way of stiffening our bones. I lied before, I think. I do know what I've always looked for, what I have always wanted ... perfection. And I've found everything, but. I know what you're thinking. How dare I be so bitchy and miserable; sharing my life as if it was agony and the glass was empty! Of course, you're right. My childhood was filled with loss but also so much life. I love school and knew it while I was in it. How rare is that? Travel and theatre and food and wine and culture and life, just fascinating and enchanting life. And maybe that is why I resent where I am now. It was then that everything was mine to touch and taste and be. I was a sponge and everything around me was fluid. I took it all in and cherished it. I ate and drank and loved and played and heard the roar of thousands, literally, and I think I miss that. Maybe I blame him for being a project that took me away from that journey, but that is not really fair I suppose, and certainly not his fault. Maybe I blame you, for changing my view, my perspective, which had always been so bright and abandoned. I could blame mother or brother; after all, they are dead. Truthfully though, I can only blame myself. I have always made my own choices and done exactly as I want. Spoiled by life and now I am angry with it. It should have given me more I think. It's all so trite, even this, as I write it seems so whiny and lame. There are a few joys now. Music makes me sing, sometimes, though I long to share it with more than just my thoughts. Movies move me, to tears mostly, when I am swept to reminiscence by similarities in character or plot. Therapeutic conversations stimulate my intellect and make me feel alive for a few minutes now and then. The Muscadet and pate in Paris was wonderful and the time in Italy was a dream. And trips to the Cape have kept me sane I suppose. The house and gardens keep me dreaming. But mostly, as droll and dull as it may seem, the reality of life at forty is loneliness. I hate it and I don't want to feel like this anymore. And it's not about being physically alone; it's about making a choice to find happiness ... to look for it and find it, or make it if it's not there. It's about letting things go and not giving a damn about the small stuff, and changing my life, not to what it once was, but to something it can be, something better than this. And I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I had that at thirty. I'm just tired of feeling this way, tired of being alone even when I'm surrounded by people, tired of missing out on whatever else is out there to learn and explore and experience. I want to smile again, and not like the cat or the hyena, but like the boy holding the balloon and eating the ice-cream and holding his mother's hand as they walk along the river to the ferry. That is what I long for. As I blow out the candles on my cake, that is what I wish for.

Bring back the spring!

It feels more like winter, more like the gray days that often inspire my work, or simply...more like autumn. It's been a tough week for me (do I say that a lot?). My day job has become more and more painful and I keep hoping beyond hope that something remarkable will happen with my non-profit arts organization and allow me to make that my full time work. In the meantime, what can I do? I try to hold on to things that make me smile or that make me feel alive. That is all any of us can do when days are dark or cold or lonely.

I share another poem from my book with you to bring back the spring...

Some Flowers
Somewhere in the backyard are my mother's favorite flower - lily of the valley.
The fragrant bells have bloomed by May, a time for mothers.

The Peonies have yet to bloom. I planted them because my father had one near the shed at the cottage on the lake.

There are two different types of lilac trees. I like the one because it is so different, and the other because it is what I expect.

Rose bushes line the wall, their variety of color remind me of an Easter basket, or a box of crayons, or a rainbow that reflects a kind of forgiveness.

And there are many other flowers: the hyacinths, the tulips, the crocus, and a bleeding heart, and there are always daffodils - yellow daffodils that I picked a million miles from here, a million years ago.

Visit my non-profit online at http://www.allseasonstheatre.org
Preview and purchase my book online at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright

Thanks to the hometown crowd!

It was really great to be home in Albion over the weekend. I actually started out in my college town of Lewiston, NY and even tho the crowd was small, we had a great time - and I was grateful that my mentor from Niagara U and one of my Mom's cousin's from Buffalo and her family came out to support. And best of all was the time we got to spend together over a great meal, reminiscing about family and catching up. Of course the Swan Library in Albion had a great event for me - desserts and drinks for everyone and a standing room crown. My Mom's art teacher surprised me and so many friends from the past there to support me and the work. It was a wonderful feeling. I wanted to share the letter I wrote to some of the papers in that area as my "thank you." I've also added one of my Mom's paintings from the book - you can see a large preview of this piece at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright. Enjoy!

I wanted to thank The Albion Swan Library and all the folks from the area who came out on Sunday, April 29th to support my book, Flowers In Autumn: endings and beginnings. It was an amazing afternoon filled with laughter and tears and re-connections. My mother, Gen Riviere (Monacelli), would have been so thrilled with the response to her paintings and I know she was with us in spirit. I am grateful that you not only gave me the chance to share my work with you, but that you allowed me to share my life stories - some of the highs and lows. I also want to thank those who weren't able to make it, but sent good wishes. It means a great deal. There has been so much support from my home town and the area for all of my endeavors over the years and I am truly blessed.

Finally, I wanted to say some words to those who suffer from depression as I do. First of all, believe that you have worth - you do. Secondly, know that you are not alone and you are not some freak who just needs to "get over it." What you do need, is to "get through it." And the way to do that is with professional help, maybe even medication for a time, and most importantly you need to look at yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and begin to recognize triggers in your life that may begin a cycle of depression for you. If you can break those triggers, or begin to control them, you will feel a bit better. If devastating loss is the center of your depression, you must try to realize that your life is still unfinished - you have more to accomplish. It does not mean the pain will go away, but know that those who love you, even in death, will always love you and they want you to go on. Carry their spirit and life within you and they will help you get through it. And don't be ashamed or too proud to run to others who love you or lean on those who can be of support - a doctor, a minister, a neighbor, a friend. They can shield you from the storm. Do give yourself the chance. Do believe that you are worth it. Do believe that you can find the reasons to go on, even if it takes a bit longer, even if at this very moment, life seems worthless and unbearable. As Josh Groban sings in one of his hit songs..."Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world, when your heart's heavy, I, I will lift it for you." I pray that you find strength and that your heart is lifted.

Thank you to all my friends; to all my Mom's friends, especially our neighbors from Ridge Road...really, you are my family, and I am forever grateful. Even though the miles may separate us, you are all in my heart.