Oh Pumpkin

from Flowers in Autumn: endings and beginnings

My pumpkin. Not nearly as big as I envisioned,
nor round as the others, yet it gleams,
begging to be made real - to intimidate and startle,
only personified by crafted carving.

But alas, I am not he artist of the jack-o-lantern
and this gourd would bide better under careful creativity.
Still ... pumpkin pleads and I hesitantly ascertain,
"Any face triumphs no face."

Stroked with sharp edge along the grain,
scraping and sawing each triangular orifice
and then the next, there is more waste than want.
Frustrated - afraid of destruction and not creation
I detain the final cuts.

Stalling to stall but forced by the hour I commit.
My trick or treat and pumpkin's fate are final.
Glancing down, my anticipation startled,
I am suspended by a heartfelt smile.
"Oh Jack, you are definitely more than just a lantern!"

People from the past are now my present

And people from my present have become my past.

It's been a tough week for me. Not a lot to audition for and those calls I could have gone to, I did not. I found myself retrospective and stayed in the house most of the time. If I could have written more it would have been fine, but I didn't. I am hoping that my reading next Monday will motivate me to keep plugging. I've made this choice (which some call gutsy, others call crazy) and I have to give it a chance and make every effort to make it work.

I also came to realize last night that some of the most important people in my life in the past year are no longer a part of my world. That not only makes me feel lonely, it gives me pause as I ask the simple question, WHY?

Ironically, or maybe "as it should be" people from my past have re-entered my life and for the most part, that is a wonderful thing. These people meant a great deal to me at one time and all were connected to my life as an actor. I only hope we can revive the best of what we had and build stronger connections.

I wish I had a time machine...

That's actually a lyric from the song, Sad To Belong, by England Dan and John Ford Coley (loved them in the 70's). In any case, the rest of the song is not all that apropos, but that one phrase is just where I am lately. I've said before that I think I am from another planet, but really, I just think I am from another time. A time when people got together more often at your house over a meal. A time without text messaging and cell phones. A time when friendship meant something more than an email once a month, or required phone call. And I always got along with people who were so much older than I was, including my family. Now they are all gone and there are so few "senior" folks in my life - so many of those that I meet, whether my age or younger, just don't click with me. I find myself wishing that I could go back to my childhood, which, as the years go by, seems to have been the best years of my life. I had such a great Mom and Aunt. Love was constant and unconditional. "Things" were not so important but "experiences" were. So I travelled and tried all kinds of cuisine and was allowed to talk and learn about everything. When I was in High School, I hardly slept. When I wasn't in class I was either at marching band or tennis practice, a class meeting, a student council meeting, a chorus rehearsal or rehearsing for a play or musical. And when there was a break from any of that, we were either driving in my Mom's little VW bug somewhere or I was down the road playing kickball with my best buddies and sitting in front of a campfire singing John Denver songs and dreaming about the future.

Now the future is here, and I am not so sure it is what I wished for. Actually, I know it isn't. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I was an awful person in a previous life and so these trials and tribulations of my adult years are a necessity to work out my karma. Or maybe, this is just "life as an adult" and I'm more a part of the norm than I think. Maybe everyone reading this thinks, "Stop whining you moron, we're all in the same boat, none of us got what we wished for." Maybe I was such a spoiled kid and had so much that it tainted me for what is inevitable and I am not equipped to handle it. And it is clear that I am not perfect and I've hurt people (almost always unintentionally). But you know what? I refuse to believe that this is all there is. That we shouldn't expect the best from ourselves and our circumstances and the world. So I say (or shout) GIVE ME A BREAK!

I'm not asking for too much I don't think. I wouldn't dare, because I have already had some amazing things happen in my life, now I just want the regular stuff to happen. Work that pays the bills but that I also enjoy (ok, maybe that is asking for a lot) and a partner, a real partner to share my life with. Someone who gets me and loves me and adores me and someone that I feel the same about. But maybe that IS asking for too much. I really have no idea. So I will just keep going and keep asking questions and stay in the game.

Maybe, if I could go back in a time machine, I would change some things to try and make this time better. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't trade those days for the world.

Some other lyrics from that song:
So I'll live my life in a dream world,
For the rest of my days.
Just you and me walking hand in hand,
In a wishful memory...
Oh, I guess it's all that it will ever be...

And part of me would like to live in a dream world with memories of the past to sustain me, but I am too much of a realist. I live in the here and now, not without reflection, but I fear too many people live with rose colored glasses on. I'd rather deal with my depression and pain and loneliness and rejection than pretend like everything is just peachy. Without the lows how do we even realize the highs - or appreciate them as much? I just wish the highs would last a little longer.

I guess I say the same things over and over don't I? Maybe in slightly different context or with slightly different vocabulary, but I really am a little rodent on a treadmill aren't I? I'd like to jump off of that treadmill and find some others like me. Right now, I don't have a lot of people to turn to or that I can count on, and that breaks my heart. Mostly because, if nothing else, I have always tried to be there for people, especially in times of crisis and need. And maybe, that is my purpose - to be a caretaker. The problem is, I think I need someone to take care of me too. Is that wrong?

So once again, here's to all the fighters out there, trying to be the best they can be, trying to get through lonely days and nights, trying to search out the truth even if it means pain, trying to live life to the fullest with all its "stuff" along the way. March on!

I'll be reading from my book next Monday

I just realized that I have not posted a poem from my book, Flowers in Autumn: endings and beginnings in quite some time. I guess I've been so busy observing and musing life as it happens that I have forgotten to share it with you. So, in the next couple weeks, I will try to share a few more, as well as one of my Mom's paintings from the book.

I will be reading from the book on Monday, October 22nd at 7PM at the Cliffside Park Public Library, in Cliffside Park, NJ. The event is free, so if you're around, come on by!

This is the first poem in the book...

A Welcomed Walk To Smile

As the leaves of early autumn wave at the horizon
showing off their new-found luster,
I too am tranced by the reddish-orange glow
ensconced behind earth's end.

Lost in a serenity of memories
that only days of youth illuminate,
I begin to hear the locusts and crickets chirp: a cacophony,
warning of winter's watch.

In quiet calm anticipation maybe a deer or rabbit
will spring from the thick.
If not ... I will be content with the heartfelt sensation
of sensing their sense.

At last I am compelled, or called, to glance behind at the Ridge.
I catch the moon in the same sky - a half-moon.
The return to reminiscence is complete for now.
At least I am content ... ready for home.

Will I always recall the sights and smells that create this smile?
I can only hope.

My Mom used to say...

consider the source. What she meant by that was, when someone hurts us, or is jealous of us, or says something cruel, or judges us, or ignores us, or ridicules us, or is prejudice against or "trashes" us, etc., we should stop to consider who they are. Are they someone we respect? Are they someone we care about? Are they someone we know well or think to be wise? Her thought was, normally, the most negative energy comes to us from people that are not that important or purposeful within our lives. So..."consider the source" before you get upset with something someone said to you or before you change your ideas or likes or practices.

I think we should not only consider the source, but consider the circumstances. And I would go a step further. As difficult and painful as it can be, I am not sure we should just dismiss it or let it go without analysis. Regardless of the source, I think we can always learn from every experience, from every contact.

I truly believe that every day brings us opportunities to learn and grow. I also believe that things happen for a reason and people come into our lives, even briefly, for a purpose.

So I think we can take any given moment of interaction and experience and use it to observe, strengthen, alter and question.

And sometimes people can reflect parts of ourselves that allow us to understand we have more to learn and that change is possible. On the other hand, sometimes people help us to reinforce our truth. Maybe it is not a scientific truth or universal truth, but if it means a lot to us and we believe in it, we have the right to defend it. When you can't defend a principal or idea or position on something, then maybe you don't feel that strongly about it - maybe it's not worth fighting over or defending. But what makes human beings different than all other living creatures is our ability to learn and change and affect. I will admit that sometimes I am terrible, in that I will often take the opposing side, even if I agree with someone (just because it is more interesting and there is more a chance to learn from disagreement). And, certainly, I have been known to change my stance on positions when I digest the argument and realize my opponent had made wonderful points or does seem to have more knowledge or "truth" if you will. But there are things that we all believe strongly in - our family, our rituals our cultural morays - they make us who we are. When those things are called into question, we should try, without descending into depths of name-calling, to explain and yes, even defend our position. But we should also try to temper our passions and beliefs with humility and patience when we can. The name-calling game is normally the first sign that we have moved into an arena of fear or we are unable to defend our own position very well. It's one thing to say, "This is what I believe," or "I don't agree with you," or "I don't find that to be true for me." It is another to be so "certain" that you actually begin to hear things that no one has said the moment you are challenged. And going to an extreme of ending a friendship or relationship over a difference of opinion - just be careful to weigh the loss. Maybe it is worth it to you, but maybe, just maybe, you've missed out on something greater than that one truth.

I'll end this entry by saying that I am guilty of not listening. I am guilty of being stubborn and pig-headed and a "bulldozer" with my beliefs and opinions. I am a big-mouth and tend to always shoot from the hip. But I do hope that I continue to try and allow others to have their own beliefs, even if they are not mine. I feel that unless your belief is hurtful to me, why should you have to change it? That may not stop me from arguing with you, but if we agreed about everything, it would be pretty boring. And all I ask of you, is the same.

Overcast...

Maybe it's just me, but I feel so much of my life is struggling to get through the overcast skies of my life. I always feel like storm clouds are over my head or threatening. I feel certain that I am always searching for the sun, and when it peaks through I am grateful for it and very excited and energized in those moments, but then they are gone. Is it my personality? Is it my clinical depression? Is it my circumstances? Am I just a miserable, cynical, S.O.B. who can't ever be happy? (Don't answer that). Can I at least find a way to have the sun be out a little longer?

Well...in addition to my figurative overcast sky today, it is also "literally" overcast. And as you know by now, rainy days and Mondays...

Yesterday was another great day of auditions and I confronted some ghosts from the past (in people I had not seen in years) and overall it was a sunshiny day...but the clouds did move in once I got home...alone...as usual. I feel that loneliness is becoming this regular state of mind for me. In truth, it is an actuality - I am alone right now in my life and not sure I am handling it all that well. I miss being in love; I miss having my family with me; I miss sharing a life with someone. Ah well, overcast and gray...what a day, what a day.

So today, as much as I didn't want to get out of bed after my big audition day yesterday, I forced myself to go out in the rain, pick up a dear friend Kay and take her to see a concert at the UBS Atrium. She reminds me a great deal of my Mom and I know she is lonely too and often depressed. Seeing her light up and smile when I get together with her is a wonderful gift. And we always have wonderful talks about life and theater and music and people and the "way the world used to be." She is a wonderful lady and I wish I could take some of her pain away, but alas, our time together always must come to an end and she rushes to get inside so I don't see her tears. She doesn't know that I cry them too. It is hard to be alone and have so much time on your hands, no matter what age you are.

But let me share a bit about the concert and bring a ray of light into this diatribe. The concert is put on by The Hudson Riverfront Performing Arts Center (where I worked for a year as Assistant Director) and Bruce Sherman who is working his butt off to try and see this arts center built on the riverfront in Weehawken. There is a summer concert series and then today kicked off the UBS Atrium Series Concerts. The Quartet today was amazing and it was great fun to be there.

If you are in the tri-state area you should know about what Bruce and HRPAC are trying to do and come see a concert - they are free and open to the public and the variety and caliber of music is unmatched. Click on the homepage image below to be taken to the website.

Another moment for music

Music has played such an important role in my life. My Mom loved music...my Dad had his own Country Western Trio for years. I've been singing since I was four and played instruments since I was six. I just feel music and lyrics can express so many amazing things in a way that touches a variety of the senses. And with the dawn of the internet and YouTube and blogs, you can see it and hear it and feel it - well, you get the idea. As much as some of this technology makes me think we've lost a part of those "simple days of yester-year," I also am so grateful for all of it. Sharing with you again, I hope you enjoy this song.

This is Michael Johnson singing Bluer Than Blue (a song I really love). I believe it was written by the great Barry Manilow.

Click here to listen to Bluer Than Blue

Losses come in all shapes and sizes

Well...both my teams lost tonight - the Yankees are out of it for the season and perhaps Joe Torre, a great manager, will be booted from the Bronx. Maybe worse was the complete last minute debacle of the Buffalo Bills who had the game won. "Not again!" I keep thinking. It's funny that I can get so wrapped up in a sporting event - pinning my hopes and emotions on something really intangible. And yet, when I am rooting, shouting and believing, it seems as important as anything. I would think that to be a healthy ritual, and yet, when my hopes are dashed...when my cheers turn to jeers, I find myself depressed - literally. And that can't be good. I guess I want to back winners so that I can feel like I'm a winner. Does that make any sense? I know that I have had success in so many things during my life but I have also had intense failure and obviously, as we all do, very personal loss.

I guess, that in the past year or so, I have been particularly sensitive to failure. I feel that ASTC has failed (for the most part); my 14 year relationship has failed and I often feel so alone; feelings for others always seem to be dashed when they don't feel the same; career opportunities pass me by; I find myself making irrational or maybe more accurately, rash choices.

It's funny. Whenever I am feeling any sort of extreme emotion (which is most of the time - I mean have I ever had an even-keeled moment in my life?) I always turn to music as my solace. When I am really joyful I want to sing and when I am really depressed I want to sing.

So tonight, I turned to one of my favorite groups from the past: THE LITTLE RIVER BAND. Usually, when I am down and out, I like to listen to music that many would find depressing. But actually, knowing that someone else has felt the way I do, always gives me hope.

I share these two songs with you from YouTube...I really love them - the first is really how I am feeling lately. "I'm getting lost in the crowd...hear me crying out loud. Just want you to know, I know that you had to go. It's all up to you but whatever you do, take it easy on me." The second is actually sung by Player singer, Peter Beckett. And there are other great hits by this group - click their name above to go to their official website and you'll be amazed at all the hits they had and hopefully you'll be REMINISCING!

TAKE IT EASY ON ME

BABY COME BACK

More and more steps each day...

So each day that I find myself "back in the business" full time, is, for the moment, pretty exciting. Today I activated my own website http://www.patrickriviere.com/. It is not "up & running" yet, but it will be very soon and I am really excited about the way it's coming together. Thank you Michael!

I've also put my commercial mailing together to send out tomorrow and have narrowed down my search to find a new "legit" agent as well.

I've had two great auditions in the past week and...on Wednesday...I have THREE auditions, and then two on Friday! Not too bad. So here's hoping. Send me those good vibes on Wednesday!!!

Also, a quick shout out to the New York Yankees! I've loved them since I was a kid and my Mom would talk about her and her dad listening to games on the radio. Now, having gone to Yankee Stadium for some games, I know what the whole "baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet" is all about - of course it's about the money, but there is something deeper than that, in the team spirit, in rooting for something, cheering for someone or something to succeed. And then just the simple pleasure of a hot dog, a beer...it can be magical. OK...you think I am nuts, but if you didn't know that by now, you haven't been reading much of my blog! And since we're on sports I am also a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan (sad as that may seem to some). When you grew up an hour away, it was sort of a prerequisite.

In any case, here is a little something for all you Yankee Fans...

http://www.pinstripealley.com/

http://web.yesnetwork.com/index.jsp

Another incredible soul...

Meeting someone, like I met tonight, gives me hope - it refreshes my faith in humanity and sparks my essence, forcing me to think positively about life and all it's challenges.

I have always considered myself (at least in my adult years) to be someone who has a command with language; with words - using them to express myself in a way that is both truthful and at times, hopefully, poetic.

But I also realize, there are moments, like this evening, when language seems to languish, leaving me at a loss. I know, you have heard similar moans from me before, but maybe some scholar out there needs to invent some new words for me to use. For now, I am forced to use old ones - repeating myself I am sure, but certain that I must express it, here and now.

Remarkable is the first thought that comes into my consciousness as I ponder our exchanges tonight. The things you have gone through; the challenges presented to you. And yet, your spirit is filled with joy and love of life. Others might have wilted under the circumstances of your recent journey - giving up; turning to darkness in a world so often filled with shadows. Instead, like a lighthouse beacon cutting through the fog in the deepest part of the night, you shine and give strength to those you touch.

Wise and soulful also come to mind. You are connected to the universe in a way that is rare (at least in my experience) and you share it all without reserve or excuse or quandary. You remind me of what it might have been to have conversations with the true thinkers of a past age - Socrates or Aristotle. Although I know you would shun those comparisons and call me a fool for uttering them. Your humility is also something acutely apparent.

Finally, I can only speak of your presence and your warmth - something I am grateful to have glimpsed this evening - something I can only hope, I will catch sight of again soon.

I tell you this: Your eyes are like sparks that dance across the embers in a fantastic fire as it warms the dead winter's chill. Your smile...like a shooting star in the depths of the heavens, radiates a kindness almost startling and yet beguiling. Your soul, filled with a universal truth, gives hint to your wisdom. Your humanness, maybe most of all, flowing from you without pretense or pause. You are inspirational, to me, and most certainly to others, as the morning turns into day and tomorrow becomes yesterday. Grateful to have met you, is all my limited vocabulary can come up with - I do hope it will suffice.