I think I really am from another planet

So most of the time, as I travel through my life on this earth, I think that I am an alien - foreign to so many of the people around me; feeling so often like I am in the twilight zone. When I run into people that seem to "get" me, I wonder if they are from my home planet? Of course I am not speaking literally, although I often wonder about life in the universe and certainly life after death. I have a strong sense that there is something beyond this realm of consciousness.

I am so tired right now that I wish I was a polar bear and that it was time for my hibernation to begin - I feel like I could sleep for days and not even be bothered that time had passed me by.

My only wish right now, is to have a great run of the show and know, once it is over, that it was great work. The rest, will reveal itself as it is supposed to. Philosophically, I can say that is what I know to be true...too bad I really can't live my life that way. I am impatient and dark and often feel cheated - and certainly, most of the time, i feel lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.

Phone home...phone home.

Speaking of outer space - I wrote a poem about the planets which I will post next time. It is an ode that I wrote after being invited by a magazine to submit something (they didn't end up publishing it - losers). Anyway...until then...

Gaze at the heavens and know that the stars are shining for you - and even when you can not see them, you must believe that their glow can illuminate your soul and light the pathways of your experiences. I wish that for you.

The show opens in two weeks!

So yes...I am really starting to get nervous. Normally, when I do a show now, I am JUST doing the show. It has been a long time since I have been working a regular job, doing so much of the "other stuff" for a show, and acting in it. Plus, since this is just a two-person play, it is A LOT for the two of us. Getting off book (for lay folks that means being completely memorized) has been tough for me this time around. So many distractions. I know it will all be great, I am just really nervous. Did I say that already? So here is a rehearsal photo to get you excited about coming to see it. And here is the link to the ticket/information site.

http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

What are you waiting for? Get those tickets early before we're sold out!!! I can dream can't I?

By the way, the photo is by Michael Menger and left to right is: Jim Richard and me!

This one will always be for you...

WITHOUT YOU
I recall an impression…while initial, something severely stronger than a glance or a touch. As each moment passed, hours becoming days, beginning to border on a year, the image was now concrete – it was you…always you, from the moment I saw your face. I have loved others; I have cared for many, but somehow in this snapshot of time, you have pierced my soul like no other. Poetry, so often allowing me to express myself when all other forms of communication fail me, seems rather insignificant and unintelligible as I hold it up to the light of my passion for you, but it is what I have to offer you now:

You are the rays of sun that dance on the water at sunset on the river. You are the fire that snaps and sparks in the roaring fireplace in the mountains on a frigid day. You are laughter from a bus of grade school students on their way to see the safari for the first time. You are stars and diamonds and strawberries and stained glass and a multitude of brightly colored roses along a white picket fence in the south of France. You are, all that I have wished for. You are…my love.

But alas…all that I feel for you, like an enormous wave breaking on the sand, washes back from whence it came and the reality comes clear – the picture in my mind is only that – a fantasy of images that I created for us without your approval; without your consent. And now I am beside myself with grief. I have lost you before I ever won you. Not that you were a prize or a raffle or a trip for two to an exotic port (although I have dreamt of us together in such a place). I could never think of you so trivially. And yet, while my heart should be full, as we have shared so many stories; laughed about our lives and come to call one another friend – indeed I should be grateful…I am somehow destroyed. As if the half-full glass I have struggled to envision for my life has a hole in the bottom, which can not be repaired – eternally empty. I am forced to ponder age old questions that have haunted greater minds than mine and stumped the geniuses of our age. Why do I love you so? Why can’t you see what I see; feel what I feel? Why do you incapacitate me and flood my senses with emotions that possess me? Why has the journey led me to this moment if we two can not be one? I do not have the power to force your feelings and yet I can not eliminate my own. I am left, in this shadow of a dream, standing alone, compelled to watch you from a distance as you flourish and find your way…without me.

Rainy days and mondays...

always get me down. LOVE The Carpenters. In case you are in the dark (not because of the rain, but because of this post so far) Rainy Days and Mondays was a hit song that went gold for The Carpenters. It was written by Paul Williams and Roger Nichols. Here is a link to a performance of this song on YouTube. I have to say, when I searched and found this today, I did cry. A true and special vocalist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPmbT5XC-q0

Actually, I'm not doing so bad today. Completely pooped from the weekend and all I have to do, but not so bad. I promised another poem and painting so here they are. Enjoy!

AT LAKES EDGE

The waves walk upon the sand.
The air of dusk runs through my nostrils.
The leaves waltz together one last time - yellow, red and orange.
I limp...exhuasted and worn.

I see you pass me, all of you, walking hand in hand;
sharing your warmth in love and in lust.
I share mine this night with the autumn clouds -
the water-worn sea gulls;
the muffled sound of Dixieland Jazz in the distance.

Again I am alone.
In the deepest corner of my soul,
I feel the chill that nothing,
not even your heated hands in front of the fire
can warm.

And I have hurt you and you me,
and our dream of perfection has wilted away -
creating the ordinary.

The painting is Sailboats at the Lake, acrylic on poster board by my Mom, Genevieve Riviere

It's a new day!

Even though life is often difficult and challenges abound, it is never too late to begin again, to start over, to take a new road or step into a different light. A few years ago I was afraid to start again, or try again, or approach at a different angle. This past year has brought me some tempered patience and a more mature approach to life. It's about time don't ya think? And with that renewed hope I step into another chapter of my life. Now...before I get lost in this comfort zone, I won't fool myself or anyone reading into thinking I have found nirvana. I am fully aware that tomorrow may find me in shadows and confusion...but I trust that I am coming to a place in which I can handle it just a bit better and find my out just a bit easier.

I have made the decision to stay at JDRF and will work two days at the office and two at home. I am happy with this decision as I do respect Dr. G and feel this situation will allow me the extra time I need to work on ASTC and to write.

Rehearsals for Mass Appeal are GREAT! It is so wonderful to be working on a play again after so long. Michael Menger is an amazing director - you can find him at www.michaelmenger.com
and my co-worker at JDRF (and more importantly my friend) Jim Richard, is so terrific as Mark Dolson. I feel so alive when we're working together - I am grateful.

I have also met someone...taking it VERY slow, but it is nice to have possibilities. I've already been picking lots of zucchini from the garden and some rasberries as well. Looking forward to the tomatoes and cucumbers.

I plan to post another one of my poems from the book, along with another one of my Mom's paintings in the next week so stay tuned...and hopefully I will have some of her art for sale really soon.

Don't forget to visit www.allseasonstheatre.org to find out all about the show!

So much is going on!

I have so much to share that I can't possibly do it all in this post...so...just a quick synopsis...


I resigned from JDRF
I spent an amazing and glorious week in Provincetown Mass - one of my favorite places in the whole world
I had a great interview at the Performing Arts Center in Peekskill
I have been invited to interview for the Arts Administrator position at The High School for the Performing Arts in NYC
I have started rehearsals for MASS APPEAL
I am volunteering at my old job to help with The Summer Concerts on the Hudson
I may reconsider and stay at JDRF if they can cope with my needs
I have to pick the finalists for my new headshots
So many people are raving about my mother's artwork and wanting to buy it, hang it in restaurants, present shows, etc., that I am looking into getting giclees of her work.

More to come later and here is a link to purchase tickets for the show and a link to the free summer concerts...enjoy!

www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

http://www.hrpac.org/