Closing Weekend

With every opening night comes, eventually, a closing (even CATS eventually closed on Broadway!). In any case, our production of A WONDERFUL LIFE comes to a close on Sunday. It was a wonderful experience for me in so many ways and I have made some amazing friends. Thought I would share a couple of photos of me in the show and also a link to the review. Gotta love those high pants!!!!

Enjoy...and if I don't get a chance to post again...HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

http://www.thesandpaper.net/SandPaper%20Pages/sandpaper_page12.htm

Show Update!

Well...we've hit our tech day and we open this Friday! The show is in really good shape considering the short rehearsal time with a holiday in the middle. And it certainly has a big feel about it. My number in Act 1, "Wings" is looking good and my focus now is to just be consistent and find as much of the "truth" for Clarence in each of his little scenes as possible. We've heard the show is selling quite well and that the matinees are almost sold out. I can't believe December is almost here.

Here is the link to the theatre's website:
http://www.surflight.org

I'm in Beach Haven...

and rehearsals have begun! It's a rather large cast and a BIG show but my role is not so HUGE that I have to feel overwhelmed with only 9 days of rehearsal. Really great actors playing George and Mary (Mary is being played by a great gal that I did ANYTHING GOES with a couple years ago) and the rest of the cast seems strong as well. I have a song/dance number in Act 1 called "Wings," which I think is going to be very cute. Well...not much more to report. Weather is kinda gray here, with a few showers, but at least it isn't pouring rain right now.

Group living is always interesting, but since I am in the house with most of the AEA (union) folks, and we make up most of the older members of the cast, it is fine.

I was thinking today, that in most other professions, you never live communally - sharing a kitchen and bathroom with 6 other people. Most of the people who I know outside of the acting world, wouldn't live this way again in a million years. Most of them did something like it in College (although I would wager a bet that most dorm rooms are in better shape) and wouldn't want to revisit that.

For me, there is something nice about it. Certainly strange after not having done it in a long while - but almost like a "reconnection" to simple roots.

After all, most of us, in the "rank and file" of performing, do what we do because we love it - not for the money, or the housing or the food. Let's hope not, because most of the time, none of those things are in abundance.

Will try to post a rehearsal log when I have more to report.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

Lots going on...

Still really excited about the show. But also very excited that my 10-minute adaptation of Dickens A Christmas Carol, entitled Old Mr. Scrooge has been published!

It is available in print and downloadable copies and you can purchase it (and see a free preview) by following THIS LINK.

The black and white illustrations in the book are by John Leech and are from the original 1843 novel published by Chapman and Hall in London. This illustration serves as the cover art for the book.

I GOT A SHOW!!!

I am so excited to have just been cast as Clarence in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE! The show opens November 30th for a limited run through December 16th at The Surflight Theater in Beach Haven, NJ (just north of Atlantic City). The Artistic Director of Surflight is the very talented Steve Steiner who I have had the privilege to work with on ANYTHING GOES and BOYS FROM SYRACUSE. Blessings on your head Steve for thinking of me for this role. Can't wait! A click on the image below will take you to the website for Surflight! Come and see the show if you can!

Oh Pumpkin

from Flowers in Autumn: endings and beginnings

My pumpkin. Not nearly as big as I envisioned,
nor round as the others, yet it gleams,
begging to be made real - to intimidate and startle,
only personified by crafted carving.

But alas, I am not he artist of the jack-o-lantern
and this gourd would bide better under careful creativity.
Still ... pumpkin pleads and I hesitantly ascertain,
"Any face triumphs no face."

Stroked with sharp edge along the grain,
scraping and sawing each triangular orifice
and then the next, there is more waste than want.
Frustrated - afraid of destruction and not creation
I detain the final cuts.

Stalling to stall but forced by the hour I commit.
My trick or treat and pumpkin's fate are final.
Glancing down, my anticipation startled,
I am suspended by a heartfelt smile.
"Oh Jack, you are definitely more than just a lantern!"

People from the past are now my present

And people from my present have become my past.

It's been a tough week for me. Not a lot to audition for and those calls I could have gone to, I did not. I found myself retrospective and stayed in the house most of the time. If I could have written more it would have been fine, but I didn't. I am hoping that my reading next Monday will motivate me to keep plugging. I've made this choice (which some call gutsy, others call crazy) and I have to give it a chance and make every effort to make it work.

I also came to realize last night that some of the most important people in my life in the past year are no longer a part of my world. That not only makes me feel lonely, it gives me pause as I ask the simple question, WHY?

Ironically, or maybe "as it should be" people from my past have re-entered my life and for the most part, that is a wonderful thing. These people meant a great deal to me at one time and all were connected to my life as an actor. I only hope we can revive the best of what we had and build stronger connections.

I wish I had a time machine...

That's actually a lyric from the song, Sad To Belong, by England Dan and John Ford Coley (loved them in the 70's). In any case, the rest of the song is not all that apropos, but that one phrase is just where I am lately. I've said before that I think I am from another planet, but really, I just think I am from another time. A time when people got together more often at your house over a meal. A time without text messaging and cell phones. A time when friendship meant something more than an email once a month, or required phone call. And I always got along with people who were so much older than I was, including my family. Now they are all gone and there are so few "senior" folks in my life - so many of those that I meet, whether my age or younger, just don't click with me. I find myself wishing that I could go back to my childhood, which, as the years go by, seems to have been the best years of my life. I had such a great Mom and Aunt. Love was constant and unconditional. "Things" were not so important but "experiences" were. So I travelled and tried all kinds of cuisine and was allowed to talk and learn about everything. When I was in High School, I hardly slept. When I wasn't in class I was either at marching band or tennis practice, a class meeting, a student council meeting, a chorus rehearsal or rehearsing for a play or musical. And when there was a break from any of that, we were either driving in my Mom's little VW bug somewhere or I was down the road playing kickball with my best buddies and sitting in front of a campfire singing John Denver songs and dreaming about the future.

Now the future is here, and I am not so sure it is what I wished for. Actually, I know it isn't. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough. Maybe I was an awful person in a previous life and so these trials and tribulations of my adult years are a necessity to work out my karma. Or maybe, this is just "life as an adult" and I'm more a part of the norm than I think. Maybe everyone reading this thinks, "Stop whining you moron, we're all in the same boat, none of us got what we wished for." Maybe I was such a spoiled kid and had so much that it tainted me for what is inevitable and I am not equipped to handle it. And it is clear that I am not perfect and I've hurt people (almost always unintentionally). But you know what? I refuse to believe that this is all there is. That we shouldn't expect the best from ourselves and our circumstances and the world. So I say (or shout) GIVE ME A BREAK!

I'm not asking for too much I don't think. I wouldn't dare, because I have already had some amazing things happen in my life, now I just want the regular stuff to happen. Work that pays the bills but that I also enjoy (ok, maybe that is asking for a lot) and a partner, a real partner to share my life with. Someone who gets me and loves me and adores me and someone that I feel the same about. But maybe that IS asking for too much. I really have no idea. So I will just keep going and keep asking questions and stay in the game.

Maybe, if I could go back in a time machine, I would change some things to try and make this time better. Who am I kidding? I wouldn't trade those days for the world.

Some other lyrics from that song:
So I'll live my life in a dream world,
For the rest of my days.
Just you and me walking hand in hand,
In a wishful memory...
Oh, I guess it's all that it will ever be...

And part of me would like to live in a dream world with memories of the past to sustain me, but I am too much of a realist. I live in the here and now, not without reflection, but I fear too many people live with rose colored glasses on. I'd rather deal with my depression and pain and loneliness and rejection than pretend like everything is just peachy. Without the lows how do we even realize the highs - or appreciate them as much? I just wish the highs would last a little longer.

I guess I say the same things over and over don't I? Maybe in slightly different context or with slightly different vocabulary, but I really am a little rodent on a treadmill aren't I? I'd like to jump off of that treadmill and find some others like me. Right now, I don't have a lot of people to turn to or that I can count on, and that breaks my heart. Mostly because, if nothing else, I have always tried to be there for people, especially in times of crisis and need. And maybe, that is my purpose - to be a caretaker. The problem is, I think I need someone to take care of me too. Is that wrong?

So once again, here's to all the fighters out there, trying to be the best they can be, trying to get through lonely days and nights, trying to search out the truth even if it means pain, trying to live life to the fullest with all its "stuff" along the way. March on!

I'll be reading from my book next Monday

I just realized that I have not posted a poem from my book, Flowers in Autumn: endings and beginnings in quite some time. I guess I've been so busy observing and musing life as it happens that I have forgotten to share it with you. So, in the next couple weeks, I will try to share a few more, as well as one of my Mom's paintings from the book.

I will be reading from the book on Monday, October 22nd at 7PM at the Cliffside Park Public Library, in Cliffside Park, NJ. The event is free, so if you're around, come on by!

This is the first poem in the book...

A Welcomed Walk To Smile

As the leaves of early autumn wave at the horizon
showing off their new-found luster,
I too am tranced by the reddish-orange glow
ensconced behind earth's end.

Lost in a serenity of memories
that only days of youth illuminate,
I begin to hear the locusts and crickets chirp: a cacophony,
warning of winter's watch.

In quiet calm anticipation maybe a deer or rabbit
will spring from the thick.
If not ... I will be content with the heartfelt sensation
of sensing their sense.

At last I am compelled, or called, to glance behind at the Ridge.
I catch the moon in the same sky - a half-moon.
The return to reminiscence is complete for now.
At least I am content ... ready for home.

Will I always recall the sights and smells that create this smile?
I can only hope.

My Mom used to say...

consider the source. What she meant by that was, when someone hurts us, or is jealous of us, or says something cruel, or judges us, or ignores us, or ridicules us, or is prejudice against or "trashes" us, etc., we should stop to consider who they are. Are they someone we respect? Are they someone we care about? Are they someone we know well or think to be wise? Her thought was, normally, the most negative energy comes to us from people that are not that important or purposeful within our lives. So..."consider the source" before you get upset with something someone said to you or before you change your ideas or likes or practices.

I think we should not only consider the source, but consider the circumstances. And I would go a step further. As difficult and painful as it can be, I am not sure we should just dismiss it or let it go without analysis. Regardless of the source, I think we can always learn from every experience, from every contact.

I truly believe that every day brings us opportunities to learn and grow. I also believe that things happen for a reason and people come into our lives, even briefly, for a purpose.

So I think we can take any given moment of interaction and experience and use it to observe, strengthen, alter and question.

And sometimes people can reflect parts of ourselves that allow us to understand we have more to learn and that change is possible. On the other hand, sometimes people help us to reinforce our truth. Maybe it is not a scientific truth or universal truth, but if it means a lot to us and we believe in it, we have the right to defend it. When you can't defend a principal or idea or position on something, then maybe you don't feel that strongly about it - maybe it's not worth fighting over or defending. But what makes human beings different than all other living creatures is our ability to learn and change and affect. I will admit that sometimes I am terrible, in that I will often take the opposing side, even if I agree with someone (just because it is more interesting and there is more a chance to learn from disagreement). And, certainly, I have been known to change my stance on positions when I digest the argument and realize my opponent had made wonderful points or does seem to have more knowledge or "truth" if you will. But there are things that we all believe strongly in - our family, our rituals our cultural morays - they make us who we are. When those things are called into question, we should try, without descending into depths of name-calling, to explain and yes, even defend our position. But we should also try to temper our passions and beliefs with humility and patience when we can. The name-calling game is normally the first sign that we have moved into an arena of fear or we are unable to defend our own position very well. It's one thing to say, "This is what I believe," or "I don't agree with you," or "I don't find that to be true for me." It is another to be so "certain" that you actually begin to hear things that no one has said the moment you are challenged. And going to an extreme of ending a friendship or relationship over a difference of opinion - just be careful to weigh the loss. Maybe it is worth it to you, but maybe, just maybe, you've missed out on something greater than that one truth.

I'll end this entry by saying that I am guilty of not listening. I am guilty of being stubborn and pig-headed and a "bulldozer" with my beliefs and opinions. I am a big-mouth and tend to always shoot from the hip. But I do hope that I continue to try and allow others to have their own beliefs, even if they are not mine. I feel that unless your belief is hurtful to me, why should you have to change it? That may not stop me from arguing with you, but if we agreed about everything, it would be pretty boring. And all I ask of you, is the same.

Overcast...

Maybe it's just me, but I feel so much of my life is struggling to get through the overcast skies of my life. I always feel like storm clouds are over my head or threatening. I feel certain that I am always searching for the sun, and when it peaks through I am grateful for it and very excited and energized in those moments, but then they are gone. Is it my personality? Is it my clinical depression? Is it my circumstances? Am I just a miserable, cynical, S.O.B. who can't ever be happy? (Don't answer that). Can I at least find a way to have the sun be out a little longer?

Well...in addition to my figurative overcast sky today, it is also "literally" overcast. And as you know by now, rainy days and Mondays...

Yesterday was another great day of auditions and I confronted some ghosts from the past (in people I had not seen in years) and overall it was a sunshiny day...but the clouds did move in once I got home...alone...as usual. I feel that loneliness is becoming this regular state of mind for me. In truth, it is an actuality - I am alone right now in my life and not sure I am handling it all that well. I miss being in love; I miss having my family with me; I miss sharing a life with someone. Ah well, overcast and gray...what a day, what a day.

So today, as much as I didn't want to get out of bed after my big audition day yesterday, I forced myself to go out in the rain, pick up a dear friend Kay and take her to see a concert at the UBS Atrium. She reminds me a great deal of my Mom and I know she is lonely too and often depressed. Seeing her light up and smile when I get together with her is a wonderful gift. And we always have wonderful talks about life and theater and music and people and the "way the world used to be." She is a wonderful lady and I wish I could take some of her pain away, but alas, our time together always must come to an end and she rushes to get inside so I don't see her tears. She doesn't know that I cry them too. It is hard to be alone and have so much time on your hands, no matter what age you are.

But let me share a bit about the concert and bring a ray of light into this diatribe. The concert is put on by The Hudson Riverfront Performing Arts Center (where I worked for a year as Assistant Director) and Bruce Sherman who is working his butt off to try and see this arts center built on the riverfront in Weehawken. There is a summer concert series and then today kicked off the UBS Atrium Series Concerts. The Quartet today was amazing and it was great fun to be there.

If you are in the tri-state area you should know about what Bruce and HRPAC are trying to do and come see a concert - they are free and open to the public and the variety and caliber of music is unmatched. Click on the homepage image below to be taken to the website.

Another moment for music

Music has played such an important role in my life. My Mom loved music...my Dad had his own Country Western Trio for years. I've been singing since I was four and played instruments since I was six. I just feel music and lyrics can express so many amazing things in a way that touches a variety of the senses. And with the dawn of the internet and YouTube and blogs, you can see it and hear it and feel it - well, you get the idea. As much as some of this technology makes me think we've lost a part of those "simple days of yester-year," I also am so grateful for all of it. Sharing with you again, I hope you enjoy this song.

This is Michael Johnson singing Bluer Than Blue (a song I really love). I believe it was written by the great Barry Manilow.

Click here to listen to Bluer Than Blue

Losses come in all shapes and sizes

Well...both my teams lost tonight - the Yankees are out of it for the season and perhaps Joe Torre, a great manager, will be booted from the Bronx. Maybe worse was the complete last minute debacle of the Buffalo Bills who had the game won. "Not again!" I keep thinking. It's funny that I can get so wrapped up in a sporting event - pinning my hopes and emotions on something really intangible. And yet, when I am rooting, shouting and believing, it seems as important as anything. I would think that to be a healthy ritual, and yet, when my hopes are dashed...when my cheers turn to jeers, I find myself depressed - literally. And that can't be good. I guess I want to back winners so that I can feel like I'm a winner. Does that make any sense? I know that I have had success in so many things during my life but I have also had intense failure and obviously, as we all do, very personal loss.

I guess, that in the past year or so, I have been particularly sensitive to failure. I feel that ASTC has failed (for the most part); my 14 year relationship has failed and I often feel so alone; feelings for others always seem to be dashed when they don't feel the same; career opportunities pass me by; I find myself making irrational or maybe more accurately, rash choices.

It's funny. Whenever I am feeling any sort of extreme emotion (which is most of the time - I mean have I ever had an even-keeled moment in my life?) I always turn to music as my solace. When I am really joyful I want to sing and when I am really depressed I want to sing.

So tonight, I turned to one of my favorite groups from the past: THE LITTLE RIVER BAND. Usually, when I am down and out, I like to listen to music that many would find depressing. But actually, knowing that someone else has felt the way I do, always gives me hope.

I share these two songs with you from YouTube...I really love them - the first is really how I am feeling lately. "I'm getting lost in the crowd...hear me crying out loud. Just want you to know, I know that you had to go. It's all up to you but whatever you do, take it easy on me." The second is actually sung by Player singer, Peter Beckett. And there are other great hits by this group - click their name above to go to their official website and you'll be amazed at all the hits they had and hopefully you'll be REMINISCING!

TAKE IT EASY ON ME

BABY COME BACK

More and more steps each day...

So each day that I find myself "back in the business" full time, is, for the moment, pretty exciting. Today I activated my own website http://www.patrickriviere.com/. It is not "up & running" yet, but it will be very soon and I am really excited about the way it's coming together. Thank you Michael!

I've also put my commercial mailing together to send out tomorrow and have narrowed down my search to find a new "legit" agent as well.

I've had two great auditions in the past week and...on Wednesday...I have THREE auditions, and then two on Friday! Not too bad. So here's hoping. Send me those good vibes on Wednesday!!!

Also, a quick shout out to the New York Yankees! I've loved them since I was a kid and my Mom would talk about her and her dad listening to games on the radio. Now, having gone to Yankee Stadium for some games, I know what the whole "baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet" is all about - of course it's about the money, but there is something deeper than that, in the team spirit, in rooting for something, cheering for someone or something to succeed. And then just the simple pleasure of a hot dog, a beer...it can be magical. OK...you think I am nuts, but if you didn't know that by now, you haven't been reading much of my blog! And since we're on sports I am also a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan (sad as that may seem to some). When you grew up an hour away, it was sort of a prerequisite.

In any case, here is a little something for all you Yankee Fans...

http://www.pinstripealley.com/

http://web.yesnetwork.com/index.jsp

Another incredible soul...

Meeting someone, like I met tonight, gives me hope - it refreshes my faith in humanity and sparks my essence, forcing me to think positively about life and all it's challenges.

I have always considered myself (at least in my adult years) to be someone who has a command with language; with words - using them to express myself in a way that is both truthful and at times, hopefully, poetic.

But I also realize, there are moments, like this evening, when language seems to languish, leaving me at a loss. I know, you have heard similar moans from me before, but maybe some scholar out there needs to invent some new words for me to use. For now, I am forced to use old ones - repeating myself I am sure, but certain that I must express it, here and now.

Remarkable is the first thought that comes into my consciousness as I ponder our exchanges tonight. The things you have gone through; the challenges presented to you. And yet, your spirit is filled with joy and love of life. Others might have wilted under the circumstances of your recent journey - giving up; turning to darkness in a world so often filled with shadows. Instead, like a lighthouse beacon cutting through the fog in the deepest part of the night, you shine and give strength to those you touch.

Wise and soulful also come to mind. You are connected to the universe in a way that is rare (at least in my experience) and you share it all without reserve or excuse or quandary. You remind me of what it might have been to have conversations with the true thinkers of a past age - Socrates or Aristotle. Although I know you would shun those comparisons and call me a fool for uttering them. Your humility is also something acutely apparent.

Finally, I can only speak of your presence and your warmth - something I am grateful to have glimpsed this evening - something I can only hope, I will catch sight of again soon.

I tell you this: Your eyes are like sparks that dance across the embers in a fantastic fire as it warms the dead winter's chill. Your smile...like a shooting star in the depths of the heavens, radiates a kindness almost startling and yet beguiling. Your soul, filled with a universal truth, gives hint to your wisdom. Your humanness, maybe most of all, flowing from you without pretense or pause. You are inspirational, to me, and most certainly to others, as the morning turns into day and tomorrow becomes yesterday. Grateful to have met you, is all my limited vocabulary can come up with - I do hope it will suffice.

Those we miss...

There are so many reasons why we miss people: they have left this world, they have moved away, they are forced away from us, they are fighting in wars, they leave, we push them away, life just takes us in different directions...it goes on.

Today I had a great "comeback" as it were to the audition scene - so much joy and excitement and energy. So many talented young people (I was the old guy among hundreds of twenty-somethings) but I made it thru "type out," sang my 16 bars, was asked to sing a song from the show, asked to move and then called back to dance. Ultimately the dancing did me in (I ain't the hoofer I used to be), but it felt great to make it so far on my first "open" audition in five years and my first dance call-back in ten! Daddy didn't do so bad!

But in the joy of it all, there were people I thought of, people I wanted to reach out to, to call, to touch. At that moment, my eyes began to well and I just...missed them. First and foremost, my family - Mom, Auntie Carm, Dad. How I miss the chance to talk to them, to hug them, to love them. I know they were with me today; giving me strength and bringing my best talents to the table. They watch from above.

And I miss you...you with the blue eyes and the sweet smile. Mostly I miss your soul - that spirit that sparked my love to begin with - and of course the words shared and the occasional simple touch. We haven't spoken now in almost two weeks. I know this loss is my own doing - you wait for me now to call you or write you but I can't bring myself to do it.

You are, simply...the one. I think of you every waking hour, without exception. And the nighttime does not shield me from you either. How I wish that this absence would make your heart grow fonder, but reality tells me it will not. Now that our project is finished and our days no longer connect us, do I ever cross your mind? You have stolen my heart. And today, in my ecstatic joy between call-backs I longed to reach you on my cell, to share this news with you. And at days end, I ached to meet you for dinner and catch up and share our lives. But I can not just be a friend to you. My feelings are already so much deeper than that. And as our time together became more frequent, it also became more uncomfortable - neither of us finding our footing. So I have finally let you go - actions speak louder than these words, right?

However, at days end, as the shadows creep along the side of the house and hide the roses in black, I miss you...terribly.

Starting over...

It really never is too late to start over - I mean as long as we're still breathing and believing, we can begin again. I'm taking that step right now. I left my job at JDRF and have decided to give my acting and writing career another chance. It's just time. It is a risk - a big one...but sometimes we have to have the courage to take risks and just take the leap.

My whole world has changed so much in the past six months - relationship lost, health crisis, unrequited love, job misery...just a general sense of feeling lost and alone in the big world. But doing the play last month probably saved me - it gave me the ability to believe in myself again - to believe that there is still hope; still a chance. A chance to start again.

And of course I am not alone. And what feeds me are the memories of my amazing work in the theatre and with such incredible artists.

So my road is familiar but also new. I look forward to the new beginning.

I wish for all of you, new beginnings.

Some show photos...

Thought I would post a few photos from MASS APPEAL. The photos were all taken by David Lopez and feature Jim Richard (as Mark Dolson) and me (as Father Farley). Click on photos to enlarge. Enjoy!

Waiting for it...

I have been waiting ... quietly (unlike me, I know) for something, anything really, to wake me from this dull sense that I am in a trance. You see, after the final curtain fell, I was alone again - an unhappy minstrel without his voice, without his song ... without his muse. That event is inevitable in this crazy business we call "show," and it repeats itself over and over and over again like some cruel joke - somehow each time taking a bit more of my soul it seems. And yet I am constantly drawn back for more: more life, more excitement, more growth, more connection, more love and pain and harmony and discord and ultimately, a kind of death. But under those lights, with the players, I am transformed - no, truthfully, I am alive, not just existing but really alive. How ironic it must seem to you - as I am taking on someone else, another character, one who is not me. And yet, I know, that all of them, whomever I "play," is another part of me. I get to express the fullness of me you see - I get to find more of me. I think only in those moments of that process am I really tasting the truth of life's essence; I am present with eyes and mind open, lungs fully expanded, ready to face it all - soaking it in like a sponge; throwing myself off the cliff of expression and daring to challenge myself for something more. So when it is finished (as it always is) I am distraught. Maybe the only other connection that brings this life can be found in true love. But alas, I have had it and lost it and found it now with another who does not share it. And so I wait ... for an answer - for a call - for the news - for the map - for the voice - for the words - for, "You are the one that I have been waiting for!"

Kellie Johnson - one of the most talented people on the planet...

and...I am proud to say, my friend!

Kellie Johnson is an extraordinary talent...there is just no other way to put it. I've had the great fortune to perform with Kellie in our cabaret, BROADWAY BOUND, but continuing any description of her with words is pointless...you need to see her and hear her for yourself. Thanks for being my buddy K. I love you!

These two clips are from Kellie Johnson: One Night Only, which was performed to a sold out crowd at Sharon Playhouse in Connecticut recently. Enjoy! And visit her website too! http://www.kelliejohnson.net/

CLICK ON PHOTO FOR YOUTUBE VIDEO OF MY MAMMIE


CLICK ON PHOTO FOR YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

AN ODE TO THE PLANETS

AN ODE TO THE PLANETS

Spherical and cosmic; I have longed to travel to your borders,

escaping into the eternity of time you represent.

Each of your names is embedded into memory -

childhood repetition and science fairs and museum visits;

books and drawings and even jokes about some of you.

You are an exploration and an explanation for all that is and was and can be:

revolving, spinning, following a path that passes each and every one of us in orbit.

If I simply go out each evening,

away from the cities and over-lit avenues,

I can glance skyward and search for you.

So fitting that many of your names are of the gods

so mythical and mighty that only you dare take those names.

I know you by your order,

but understand it is not by age or size or importance that I announce your existence,

but by your distance from the sun:

Mercury, Venus, my Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and yes ... Pluto.

Funny that our own evolution causes us to think of you less,

look for you less, speak of you less.

Only astrologers and astronomers invoke your names as if you had importance.

But you are all important to me

for it is on your behemoth backs that I have dared to dream of stardom

of space travel of star wars and star treks.

Imagination was ignited by your mystery and magic,

whether earth or rock or gas or ice, it did not matter.

What mattered were the possibilities that you offered;

the reasons for the struggle and the fight.

I salute you and thank you, for you have offered me the presence of a dream.

I. Mercury

Named for the Roman god of commerce, travel and thievery

you have been described as "eccentric."

Your temperature fluctuation is the most erratic of the planets

and so perhaps you are bi-polar.

But as you are the first that I remember,

I do not care that only part of your face has been mapped

or that your proximity to the flaming ball of energy

centering our solar system

makes it rather difficult to view you,

even at twilight,

because regardless ... i know you are there.

II. Venus

If you will, allow me to invoke your name

as you are the brightest in the evening sky;

certainly as the winter turns to spring

and snow melts to find the crocuses and daffodils.

As Earth's sister, the goddess of love and beauty,

I admire you and have looked to you in those clear dusk skies

and even when the sun has hidden herself away.

But I admit I could not stay with you ...

for a year with you is literally more than a lifetime,

and your pools of refreshing water have long since deserted you.

III. Earth

My home, my perspective, my history and future.

So much has been said of you by far greater than I: Galileo and Copernicus, Aristotle,

Socrates and the like, Keats and Frost and Dickenson, da Vinci and Edison.

Pondering their greatness and yours I am feeling rather minuscule.

You are however, the very essence of my being - the planet of life.

And while we are wrapped with more knowledge about you than any of the others,

will that be enough to save and cherish you in the end?

Special is your moon that has been visited by few and worshiped by many,

whether waxing or waning, the light in the still of the night.

Fitting that your name is unique, for it is you who hold the key to the universe;

the beings and creatures and living things that inhabit your orb

will ultimately find the answers, or die trying.

IV. Mars

As the red planet of war

you have driven science fiction that haunts our dreams

and peaks our curiosity of extra-terrestrial.

From what we know, your terrain is spectacular,

highlighted by permanent ice caps.

And while you are rather small, contemplation abounds

that you have life or might support part of ours.

Would you want us?

If perchance I found myself amidst your chill I would be adventurous I think

and climb your highest mountain - the highest in all the galaxy;

to stand on top of Olympus Mons ...

I think only gods know such elevation; such perspective.

V. Jupiter

You are enormous!

A huge globe - unimaginable mass.

In fact, you are the largest planet by far.

Appropriately King of the gods,

your zones and belts of colorful gas are like a painter's pallet.

Ironic to me that you are often called the wandering star ...

while I know that reference to you is more poetic than factual,

it allows my sense of awe to be tempered

with something more familiar;

maybe as I fancy myself a bit of a wanderer.

Nonetheless, you are a giant among giants.

VI. Saturn

Ring around the planet, a pocket full of moons ...

We have known you since prehistoric times,

but you confused and confounded us as we passed through

the plane of your rings every few years.

Those very rings, no longer exclusive,

would give us great challenge as we constructed

our solar system projects of fruit, Styrofoam balls and other crafts.

While others begin to boast what was once yours alone,

have no fear

as your bold bands continue to be the brightest and the most defined.

VII. Uranus

You are like those given names that sometimes haunt them.

Mispronounced; over-pronounced, it is your very utterance

that gives you popularity.

Hidden behind the snickers and shrugs, unknown to most,

are some marvelous truths:

You were the first planet discovered in modern times;

your moons, Juliet, Ophelia, Puck and Trinculo, to name a few,

are specially and specifically Shakespearean;

and your rotating axis (no pun intended)

is such a perplexity, no one can agree on which of your poles is north!

For all of us who have ever felt the sting of ridicule

you represent us in majesty.

VIII. Neptune

An apology is in order, as of all nine planets,

I have thought about you least and yet I cannot

articulate the reason why.

Most likely it is because you are more ordinary than the other distants -

like a middle child who is less attended

for reasons that have no rhyme or reason.

Looking at your hue however

I am mesmerized by blue ... blue like crystal waters

(or as your name invokes, the sea)

or summer skies or sapphire stones on a black velvet board.

In understanding that your winds would trump our wildest tornadoes

and summon the very breath of God,

I won't make the mistake of misplacing you again.

IX. Pluto

I know that you have been demoted

but I refuse to ignore you or degrade your original status,

especially because we have never even visited you.

And while you are the smallest, (smaller than earth's own moon)

and now considered a dwarf,

I am reminded of the phrase, "Big things come in little packages."

Like the underworld, you are perpetually dark.

You are like an abstract; a contemplation; an enigma.

In spite of that, your peculiarity and obscurity

have made you as popular as any other body in our vast sky,

as we squint through our most powerful telescopes to find you.

Finally, you are all, fundamental marvels.

No wizard or king or dictator or president;

not even the gods for whom you are named,

can deny your greatness or overthrow your influence or authority.

You are ultimately so magnificent -

mobile, suspended, embryonic and yet everlasting.

To each of you I articulate my honor and respect

shouting it out

to the vastness of your frontiers.

NOTE: This is not a "true" ode in the sense of structure. More modern odes have held more to the specific nature of honoring something and that is what this does. I was invited, as I may have mentioned to you before to submit a work to Isotope, a journal of literary nature and science writing. While the poem was not chosen for publication, I am most proud of it.

Where am I going to?

Don't ask anymore. I'm feeling rather lost today...not surprising after the latest sequence of events in my life. But I keep wondering how much of this is my own doing? If I made choice B instead of A, would my life be drastically different? Do I really control my own destiny?

Before I blather on too much longer I have to share the drama of last night. So i have been very depressed since the closing of the show and the realization that the object of my affection and love is never going to feel the same way - indeed I sobbed myself to sleep on Thursday night listening to the radio and it seemed that every song spoke of my lonliness and despair. Now move forward 24 hours to last night. I decided after work to stay in the city, alone, and have a couple drinks, grab a bite to eat and go home and feel sorry for myself a bit more. Instead, I had the two drinks (cosmos), went to eat at Healthy Burger and then proceeded to have a bit of an attack on the subway platform. I got to the token booth clerk who called an ambulance and then i hit the deck. I've had these spells before, but they usually happen in the middle of the night so I just deal with them at home and they pass. Nothing conclusive has ever been found so I don't really worry about it. But this was embarrassing because I was in public. The paramedics came, put me in the ambulance, and were convinced it wasn't so bad. That is until I was hit with another spell and they started to panic (one of them said my lips were turning grey).

So...I went to the hospital, was in the emergency room for several hours while they took tests and gave me an IV and then they let me go. Said it was just dehydration and stress.

Stress -
A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression. (that is my favorite and most accurate definition from the American Heritage Dictionary).

Now back to my post question. Where do I go from here? Figuring that one out may be the biggest challenge of my life. I have to start by making some strong choices for my life - and finding a way to get out of this house is probably the first one. Letting go of a love that can't love me also tops the list. But when I look at those two choices alone, that is exactly where it leaves me...alone...and that scares me.

Forgive me for another rant which only has questions and few answers. And forgive me for sounding as if my life is so awful - I know full well that compared to many, my life is just great and I am grateful for it. It's the perfectionist in me that gets me into trouble - always feeling I can do better and that my world should be better.

I know, I know...still owe you the planets - coming soon!

Another closing...maybe the last

I don't really know where to begin. I suppose with gratitude to the handful of people that made this show a success - that really cared about presenting something better than just good. And it was better than good. Everyone who saw it commented on the professional look of the show and how impressed they were with the production. Granted, we didn't have the houses I would have liked, but those that saw it, loved it. And what more can you ask for in the end. Thank you to Michael Menger, an incredible director; Daniel Schaedle, an amazing TD and Stage Manager; my co-star, Jim Richard who I love from the bottom of my insane heart; Andrew Drew and David Tonkin for being the main support for this show; and of course to the audience and the donors who made this show possible.

Now, "to the pain," as Cary Elwes declares in PRINCESS BRIDE. There are literally hundreds of people from this area that have been colleagues of mine, and many who have been friends (certainly when they come to my house and eat my food and drink my booze) that did not come to see this show. Not only that, but they did not even have the decency to say, "Hey, can't make it," or "Listen, wish I could be there...break a leg."

I had a friend in college who used to literally "white people out" of his book when they acted like assholes or when they didn't get back to him after three tries. I don't have a book like that, but I did make a point to eliminate 70 emails from my personal database tonight. These people do not deserve my attention or my care or concern or love. They are not my friends and I do not care if I ever hear from them again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Sometimes, it is important to realize that we do not need "numbers" of people to care about us. The handful of people that we can really count on - the one person who loves us for who we are. That is what matters...that is what counts.

If you have a best friend who is always there for you, call them, email them, tell them how much they mean to you. If someone is in love with you, be grateful for that love and try to give it back. It is so rare.

The show is over, the strike will take place tomorrow and then it will all be a memory. ASTC is all but finished. But I am ok with it. A new chapter will begin. I must believe that. You must believe it too!

"Here's to us...who's like us? Damn few!" From MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG by Stephen Sondheim. I know I have promised you Ode to the Planets...it will come soon.

Another opening...another show!

Well...MASS APPEAL opened last night to a small house, but a very receptive one. I am so proud of the work that has been done on this show - I believe it is a real quality production. And from an acting standpoint, I feel this has been an amazing learning experience for me...not just as an actor but as a person. I can't thank Jim Richard, Michael Menger and Dan Schaedle enough for everything. It has been a great journey guys, and we must all be proud of the work.

As for the rest of the administrative stuff with the show - bleck! It has been a nightmare and exhausting beyond belief - more than usual. And getting audience is also a real challenge.

Whatever the outcome at the end of the run, I am grateful that I did it. Grateful for the people and for the script (thank you Bill) and for the time to "play in the sandbox" as I have said many times before.

All the wrong reasons

Sometimes...I think we humans get caught up in fantasy...in scenarios we hope can be true for us. We want them so bad that we make decisions based on what we hope will happen, or what we want to happen, even if those decisions are not the best for us. I'm not saying we shouldn't take chances or have dreams (i would be the biggest hypocrite alive if I said that), but I am beginning to learn that sometimes, you can do something that you think is right, for all the wrong reasons. And sometimes, that ends up being a house of cards that comes crashing down on your head and makes your life seem foolish, or more accurately, you feel like the fool. My mother used to say, "Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best." I heard an interview with Nancy Reagan and someone asked her about that, or she said she had a friend who lived by that philosophy and she refused to live that way. She basically said you must just work for the best. I think she might be right. That is more "the glass is half full approach." I really am trying to live more like that, but it seems that no matter how hard i try, at a variety of things, I find myself feeling like a failure or a fool. Stupid really - someone just the other night told me that my trouble is, that I want perfection. Thanks again Mom (you know I love ya, wherever you are resting). But it's true...I have always tried to be perfect and I let myself down all the time, because how CAN we be perfect, ever? And I feel like I let other people down too.

Getting back to my first point and then I will close. I think, as I get older, I want to take actions and begin relationships and start projects for the right reasons. I want to go in knowing why and if I am going to do something, I want to do it without expectations, without needing something in return from someone or some thing. Is that realistic? Especially with matters of the heart? Or am I playing the fool with that idea as well?

I just know that recently, I set out on a course, and I think I packed for that journey for the wrong reasons. I built up this fantasy that if I did a, b and c, then the outcome would be what I wanted. And it isn't. Even if ultimately, the project that is attached to all of this is fantastic and successful, the actual dream that I had will not be reality...and that hurts. Actually, it sucks! Is any of this real? Is this thing on?

Next time...at least at this point in my life, I can still say there can be a next time. We just have to keep trying. Just keep trying.

I think I really am from another planet

So most of the time, as I travel through my life on this earth, I think that I am an alien - foreign to so many of the people around me; feeling so often like I am in the twilight zone. When I run into people that seem to "get" me, I wonder if they are from my home planet? Of course I am not speaking literally, although I often wonder about life in the universe and certainly life after death. I have a strong sense that there is something beyond this realm of consciousness.

I am so tired right now that I wish I was a polar bear and that it was time for my hibernation to begin - I feel like I could sleep for days and not even be bothered that time had passed me by.

My only wish right now, is to have a great run of the show and know, once it is over, that it was great work. The rest, will reveal itself as it is supposed to. Philosophically, I can say that is what I know to be true...too bad I really can't live my life that way. I am impatient and dark and often feel cheated - and certainly, most of the time, i feel lonely, even when I am surrounded by people.

Phone home...phone home.

Speaking of outer space - I wrote a poem about the planets which I will post next time. It is an ode that I wrote after being invited by a magazine to submit something (they didn't end up publishing it - losers). Anyway...until then...

Gaze at the heavens and know that the stars are shining for you - and even when you can not see them, you must believe that their glow can illuminate your soul and light the pathways of your experiences. I wish that for you.

The show opens in two weeks!

So yes...I am really starting to get nervous. Normally, when I do a show now, I am JUST doing the show. It has been a long time since I have been working a regular job, doing so much of the "other stuff" for a show, and acting in it. Plus, since this is just a two-person play, it is A LOT for the two of us. Getting off book (for lay folks that means being completely memorized) has been tough for me this time around. So many distractions. I know it will all be great, I am just really nervous. Did I say that already? So here is a rehearsal photo to get you excited about coming to see it. And here is the link to the ticket/information site.

http://www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

What are you waiting for? Get those tickets early before we're sold out!!! I can dream can't I?

By the way, the photo is by Michael Menger and left to right is: Jim Richard and me!

This one will always be for you...

WITHOUT YOU
I recall an impression…while initial, something severely stronger than a glance or a touch. As each moment passed, hours becoming days, beginning to border on a year, the image was now concrete – it was you…always you, from the moment I saw your face. I have loved others; I have cared for many, but somehow in this snapshot of time, you have pierced my soul like no other. Poetry, so often allowing me to express myself when all other forms of communication fail me, seems rather insignificant and unintelligible as I hold it up to the light of my passion for you, but it is what I have to offer you now:

You are the rays of sun that dance on the water at sunset on the river. You are the fire that snaps and sparks in the roaring fireplace in the mountains on a frigid day. You are laughter from a bus of grade school students on their way to see the safari for the first time. You are stars and diamonds and strawberries and stained glass and a multitude of brightly colored roses along a white picket fence in the south of France. You are, all that I have wished for. You are…my love.

But alas…all that I feel for you, like an enormous wave breaking on the sand, washes back from whence it came and the reality comes clear – the picture in my mind is only that – a fantasy of images that I created for us without your approval; without your consent. And now I am beside myself with grief. I have lost you before I ever won you. Not that you were a prize or a raffle or a trip for two to an exotic port (although I have dreamt of us together in such a place). I could never think of you so trivially. And yet, while my heart should be full, as we have shared so many stories; laughed about our lives and come to call one another friend – indeed I should be grateful…I am somehow destroyed. As if the half-full glass I have struggled to envision for my life has a hole in the bottom, which can not be repaired – eternally empty. I am forced to ponder age old questions that have haunted greater minds than mine and stumped the geniuses of our age. Why do I love you so? Why can’t you see what I see; feel what I feel? Why do you incapacitate me and flood my senses with emotions that possess me? Why has the journey led me to this moment if we two can not be one? I do not have the power to force your feelings and yet I can not eliminate my own. I am left, in this shadow of a dream, standing alone, compelled to watch you from a distance as you flourish and find your way…without me.

Rainy days and mondays...

always get me down. LOVE The Carpenters. In case you are in the dark (not because of the rain, but because of this post so far) Rainy Days and Mondays was a hit song that went gold for The Carpenters. It was written by Paul Williams and Roger Nichols. Here is a link to a performance of this song on YouTube. I have to say, when I searched and found this today, I did cry. A true and special vocalist.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPmbT5XC-q0

Actually, I'm not doing so bad today. Completely pooped from the weekend and all I have to do, but not so bad. I promised another poem and painting so here they are. Enjoy!

AT LAKES EDGE

The waves walk upon the sand.
The air of dusk runs through my nostrils.
The leaves waltz together one last time - yellow, red and orange.
I limp...exhuasted and worn.

I see you pass me, all of you, walking hand in hand;
sharing your warmth in love and in lust.
I share mine this night with the autumn clouds -
the water-worn sea gulls;
the muffled sound of Dixieland Jazz in the distance.

Again I am alone.
In the deepest corner of my soul,
I feel the chill that nothing,
not even your heated hands in front of the fire
can warm.

And I have hurt you and you me,
and our dream of perfection has wilted away -
creating the ordinary.

The painting is Sailboats at the Lake, acrylic on poster board by my Mom, Genevieve Riviere

It's a new day!

Even though life is often difficult and challenges abound, it is never too late to begin again, to start over, to take a new road or step into a different light. A few years ago I was afraid to start again, or try again, or approach at a different angle. This past year has brought me some tempered patience and a more mature approach to life. It's about time don't ya think? And with that renewed hope I step into another chapter of my life. Now...before I get lost in this comfort zone, I won't fool myself or anyone reading into thinking I have found nirvana. I am fully aware that tomorrow may find me in shadows and confusion...but I trust that I am coming to a place in which I can handle it just a bit better and find my out just a bit easier.

I have made the decision to stay at JDRF and will work two days at the office and two at home. I am happy with this decision as I do respect Dr. G and feel this situation will allow me the extra time I need to work on ASTC and to write.

Rehearsals for Mass Appeal are GREAT! It is so wonderful to be working on a play again after so long. Michael Menger is an amazing director - you can find him at www.michaelmenger.com
and my co-worker at JDRF (and more importantly my friend) Jim Richard, is so terrific as Mark Dolson. I feel so alive when we're working together - I am grateful.

I have also met someone...taking it VERY slow, but it is nice to have possibilities. I've already been picking lots of zucchini from the garden and some rasberries as well. Looking forward to the tomatoes and cucumbers.

I plan to post another one of my poems from the book, along with another one of my Mom's paintings in the next week so stay tuned...and hopefully I will have some of her art for sale really soon.

Don't forget to visit www.allseasonstheatre.org to find out all about the show!

So much is going on!

I have so much to share that I can't possibly do it all in this post...so...just a quick synopsis...


I resigned from JDRF
I spent an amazing and glorious week in Provincetown Mass - one of my favorite places in the whole world
I had a great interview at the Performing Arts Center in Peekskill
I have been invited to interview for the Arts Administrator position at The High School for the Performing Arts in NYC
I have started rehearsals for MASS APPEAL
I am volunteering at my old job to help with The Summer Concerts on the Hudson
I may reconsider and stay at JDRF if they can cope with my needs
I have to pick the finalists for my new headshots
So many people are raving about my mother's artwork and wanting to buy it, hang it in restaurants, present shows, etc., that I am looking into getting giclees of her work.

More to come later and here is a link to purchase tickets for the show and a link to the free summer concerts...enjoy!

www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785

http://www.hrpac.org/

Some photos from the shoot

So...I am even more amazed now that I have the almost 500 shots from the shoot. Unreal. Digital is amazing! And color! My first time for color. In any case, these are a few, not necessarily favorites of Eric, or even mine, but some shots I just pulled. Keep in mind these are not touched up or tweaked at all - just some raw shots...the one with the pug is most fun. When I have narrowed it down to less than 50, I will send them out to some of my trusted colleagues and advisers for opinions and then will have to narrow it down to the top five. Once I have those, I will post them and then choose the two I'll have re-touched (if I even need it) and they will be the ones I get reproduced.

Stay tuned...

Finding magnificent souls along the way

There are times, when you meet someone, and you immediately feel like you are in the presence of an old friend. And those moments, those experiences with that individual, that spirit, that soul, are so immensely powerful and true - there is a connection that you can not explain, but realize you don't need to...it is understood. The words flow effortlessly, the stories fly from your lips with an ease and a trust that is uncanny. Laughter and kindness, honesty and candor, camaraderie and excitement - this is neither the beginning or the end.

Today was one of those days for me. It was already going to be special as I was meeting with a photographer to take my headshots (something I have not done in over 10 years and certainly a move that signals my want to return to my acting roots). His name is Eric Laurits. Coming to meet me at the car was this charming, electric and sunny young man, carrying his camera and tri-pod and his book bag. Even if you didn't stop to say hello to him...even if it was not you he was meeting...you could sense from a distance his warmth and his good nature. But once we began to speak to one another, to share stories and question one another about our lives, it became strikingly evident that we were "picking up" from another place or time. It was so natural to talk and share with this person, to laugh and commiserate, to reveal truths and understand that we were both being understood. And so today, I feel very lucky to have met another journeyman in this crazy world, making the best of his life, no, much more than the best of it. He is sharing his gifts and his craft with others and working to help others strengthen their own craft. And most impressive to me was his humanity, his ability to articulate thoughts and reveal himself - I am almost 20 years his senior and yet I knew I was in the presence of someone very wise and very mature, yet down-to-earth and humble. God! I relish these moments, these meetings, these people who cross my path. They make me grateful for life and for words and for feelings and for expression.

For those of you who are not actors, the headshot, is one of the most important tools we have - it is our calling card; the first introduction we have to our work and our lives. There are tons of photographers out there, and quite a few headshot photographers, but the really great ones have a sensitivity to the work, to the person they are shooting, to try and bring out the essence of this actor, the characters he/she plays, the type of work they like to do. Actors will often admit that they are tense and nervous no matter how many times they get their shots taken because they feel they have to get THE shot. Today, I was relaxed and comfortable, just sharing with my new friend who happened to be taking pictures of me. It was clear after two and a half hours that we had gotten lots of THE shot but more importantly we had gotten to know one another and connected.

Reflecting upon it makes it seem almost surreal, and yet it also underlines for me the fact that things happen for a purpose; there is a reason for such beginnings - whether immediately clear to us or that which will be revealed at a later time.

So of course, I have to share. I enjoy promoting gifted people when I can. If you are an actor who needs headshots, or (and I forgot to mention this earlier) a couple planning your wedding (wedding photos are a passion of his) follow this link, enjoy his work and get in touch with him His website can be found at http://www.ericlaurits.com/

Thank you Eric...as darkness falls across the land of our lives, as it can from time to time, it is clear that you are a beacon of light and I say, "Shine on my friend, shine on!"

Just take a day at a time

That's what my Mom always used to say. She was a wise lady. Sometimes, that is all you can do, especially when all else seems lost or your way seems so unclear. I haven't been to work all week and hope I can climb out of this funk soon. I was in the recording studio yesterday working on the CD for our PIE Holiday Story Series. I thought that would pull me out of my depression, but it didn't. Maybe because everything with ASTC in these first few years has been such a struggle - it always seems like a fight to get anything accomplished. Getting people to believe in the arts and moreover, getting them to support the arts, is a "hard row to hoe." Another phrase my Mom used to use.

Well, in honor of her life, and in her memory, I will try and make tomorrow a little better than today. As she got older, she tried to take everything in stride and appreciate what she had and realize that life wasn't so bad. When anyone would ask her how she was, she would simply say, "I'm doing pretty good for an old lady!"

I hope some of her attitude will find its way into my consciousness. I miss her.

Here is another one of her paintings...Shadows, oil on canvas board

A new poem

I SHOUT TO THE BIRDS

My heart pounds in my chest, so hard that it feels like thousands of wings beating against a cage. I take deep breaths, as everyone so often advises, and yet that only makes me dizzy; unable to see the choices that lay ahead of me. But in truth, the path is never clear to me, even in my most focused and cognizant moments; and there always seems to be thick barbed vines and jagged branches through which I must cut myself or circumvent. Is this my complete picture; my destiny revealed? I will not allow myself to submit to that narrow vision – even in the darkest hours of my existence, as I suffocate with my own tortured truths – I must go on. I shout to the birds…not the ones in the cage of course, for their plight is no better than my own (indeed it is worse), but to the birds in the heavens. Sing to me you soaring birds and from your vantage cry out the directions that may lead me to a better road; to a purpose that has meaning! I will strain to hear you until the last, even as my heartbeat grows faint and my breath becomes shallow. I am listening.

I'm feeling really low...

So...from hopeful and empowered back to the halls of shadows where most of my life seems to reside. The last few days at work just about did me in. I will share with you that I have very little tolerance for "power." It makes me rebellious. I am not a good subordinate; never have been and I am always surprised to recall that I have NEVER been fired from a job. I am an honest, shoot from the hip, big mouth, who says what I feel and never allows title or power or position to sway my truth.

Two days ago, someone in a much higher position was rude to me and I took him to task, reducing him to a speechless blather. Afterwords I sent an email to my superiors to share the unpleasantness and basically say I was finished dealing with this person. My immediate boss took me to task and basically gave me an ultimatum - apologize or walk (after I had already threatened resignation). At first I said, "Not a chance in hell." And in the past I have always stood my ground on things like this - it is a matter of justice in my eyes. PLEASE don't tell me how much power this person has, or how many degrees they hold, or how many official titles they have because it will just strengthen my resolve to battle them even more. I am tired of people saying, "Oh that is just the way he/she is. Just ignore them," or "Just be patient with them...take it and move on." What about me? Why can't I just be who I am without repercussions? The double standard makes me nuts! If someone stood up to them in the past with this behavior, maybe they wouldn't act this way.

I don't ever like to hurt people, but if someone attacks me, or belittles me, or makes me feel like an ass, I will always defend myself - with venom if necessary. I am no better or worse than anyone else. If you treat me with respect, there is no job, no minutia too low for me - Christ! I'll clean your toilets if you need me to, but do not throw your power around. Do not presume that you are better or know more than I do. Do not disrespect me because you think you can, or because you think I should just take it.

So to end this little diatribe, I did it...that which I thought I would never do. I apologized. I think I killed a small piece of my soul today. And before you misunderstand, I ALWAYS apologize when I have done something wrong. Even when I haven't if the other person(s) involved mean something to me. But this, was, different. Someone I do not respect. Someone who makes a mess of things and bullies people and has no one to stop him. It was he who should have apologized to me. But, for the sake of others, for the sake of the bigger picture, I did apologize - I ate crow. And a part of me died. It is the first time in my life that I chose to do something that wasn't true for me - it wasn't the choice I would have made. In my life I have never regretted much - I have quit jobs on a dime to fight the power, to protect colleagues, to highlight injustice, whatever. I never cared because I know that my work ethic is beyond reproach and I have always worked beyond what was expected.

This has led me back into the darkness. And while I am familiar with these corridors, I was hoping to stay out of them for a bit longer. I don't know what the future holds now. My life seems so out of control. The uncomfortableness with my job and the reality that pushing papers is not where my destiny lies; my failed relationship; my empty life.

I came home tonight and found solace in music. I used to sing so much more - it filled my soul - I need to sing again.

There's just a few more hours...

that's all the time I've got!

I am grateful for so much as I turn 41. Grateful for the melancholy Paris trip that found my consciousness at 2AM on June 2nd, 2006 and caused the tears to flow for a life unfulfilled; grateful for Teo and Jimmy, two amazing souls who have come into my life and given me hope and strength - even though our paths may someday lead us apart, we will always be together in spirit. I am grateful for simple pleasures: the burger and chocolate milk shake I had tonight (I can't remember the last time I had a shake); for Eric from Belgium who I met while eating that burger and who needed my help to determine what cheese he should get and then just sharing stories and the realization that we really are all the same at our core; the air-conditioned bus on a hot day; the circle of annuals in my back yard and the simple breeze that finds its way through the branches of the Japanese Maple and rings the chimes on the garage. Grateful for David's nephew Nicholas who calls me "Uncle Pot" and always wants me to be wherever he is - his expressions of wonderment remind me of what life really is all about; for memories of blissful moments and family. I am grateful for the haunting and true lyrics of an Indigo Girls song like Closer to Fine (which I have been sharing with everyone lately); for physical connections and passionate kisses; for pain that allows my eventual joy to shout out with gladness. And yes, grateful for David, most grateful, because even though it is not what we expected, what we planned; even though it may best be reflected by photos in an album, there has been so much good and so much experienced that I would not have ever experienced alone.

And as I feel this gratitude, I am startled to a truth that corrects my earlier evaluation of one year ago - my life has not been wasted or unfulfilled or meaningless - indeed it has been full and grand and powerful. I am certain that there is so much more for me to do, so many more answers to be revealed. "I've gotta lotta livin' to do!"

And the journey has just begun.

I hope the Indigo Girls don't mind but since I've been sharing...

CLOSER TO FINE
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah
well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

As I look to my 41st Birthday

So I will be 41 on Saturday - I am a Gemini through and through. I suppose I could spin some thoughts about how I am feeling but I am not sure it is all that different from when I turned 40. Maybe the real difference is now I am ready to take some action and stop whining and complaining about things that make me miserable or depressed. I think that 2007 is meant to be a good year for me - 7 is my lucky number after all.

I will share some of my post P-Town thoughts from this memorial day weekend. I want to move to Provincetown Mass as soon as humanly possibly. Going up two or three times a year just isn't enough anymore. It was glorious! Commercial Street, the dinners at Lobster Pot, the drinks and amazing appetizers at Jimmy's Hideaway, the dunes, our friends who feel like extended family, the lobster on the pier - all of it is filled with life and beauty for me. I also feel that I observed this about myself - I am obsessive. Maybe I have always known it, but I really saw hard conscious examples. I need to let some of it go and I am certain that some of my anxiety an depression will be released with it. The trip also underlined my continued loneliness in my current relationship. Talking to people who have seen us year after year and mentioning 15 years seemed almost surreal to me. We are certainly best friends and enjoy doing certain things together, but there is no passion, no spark - we are not in love. And frankly, I miss that. I want to find it again.

So yes, it feels a bit like 40 but this year, I will take action!

Let me share another observation from my book - on turning 40!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I'm often lonely. It's no ones fault really; no one to blame. It is by choice, I suppose, at least some would say. I remember the days when crowds of laughter surrounded my banter. It didn't matter if they were laughing with me or at me; at least we were all having fun. I was the life of the party once ... have I told you that already? I don't care for parties now. It all changed when you showed me that the world was fool of fools and we two were the exception. My fault was in believing you and in the world proving you right. I imagine our dinners with Zinfandel, almost ice, and tastes of magnificent meals and conversation that kept my eyes from my watch. In the end, it wasn't enough, and I strayed and you disconnected and we gave up. After all, we were young and had our lives ahead of us. Better to go it alone. Better to go back to being who we were. Impossible I think. Now there is this mess I've made with these last twelve years; stumbling and searching for something, God knows what, and taking him along with me. The challenge of making him something he's not. It has failed miserably. We are lonelier together I think. In my consciousness I understand it and yet I can not pull the needle from this record. I did with you, didn't I? But age does have a way of stiffening our bones. I lied before, I think. I do know what I've always looked for, what I have always wanted ... perfection. And I've found everything, but. I know what you're thinking. How dare I be so bitchy and miserable; sharing my life as if it was agony and the glass was empty! Of course, you're right. My childhood was filled with loss but also so much life. I love school and knew it while I was in it. How rare is that? Travel and theatre and food and wine and culture and life, just fascinating and enchanting life. And maybe that is why I resent where I am now. It was then that everything was mine to touch and taste and be. I was a sponge and everything around me was fluid. I took it all in and cherished it. I ate and drank and loved and played and heard the roar of thousands, literally, and I think I miss that. Maybe I blame him for being a project that took me away from that journey, but that is not really fair I suppose, and certainly not his fault. Maybe I blame you, for changing my view, my perspective, which had always been so bright and abandoned. I could blame mother or brother; after all, they are dead. Truthfully though, I can only blame myself. I have always made my own choices and done exactly as I want. Spoiled by life and now I am angry with it. It should have given me more I think. It's all so trite, even this, as I write it seems so whiny and lame. There are a few joys now. Music makes me sing, sometimes, though I long to share it with more than just my thoughts. Movies move me, to tears mostly, when I am swept to reminiscence by similarities in character or plot. Therapeutic conversations stimulate my intellect and make me feel alive for a few minutes now and then. The Muscadet and pate in Paris was wonderful and the time in Italy was a dream. And trips to the Cape have kept me sane I suppose. The house and gardens keep me dreaming. But mostly, as droll and dull as it may seem, the reality of life at forty is loneliness. I hate it and I don't want to feel like this anymore. And it's not about being physically alone; it's about making a choice to find happiness ... to look for it and find it, or make it if it's not there. It's about letting things go and not giving a damn about the small stuff, and changing my life, not to what it once was, but to something it can be, something better than this. And I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I had that at thirty. I'm just tired of feeling this way, tired of being alone even when I'm surrounded by people, tired of missing out on whatever else is out there to learn and explore and experience. I want to smile again, and not like the cat or the hyena, but like the boy holding the balloon and eating the ice-cream and holding his mother's hand as they walk along the river to the ferry. That is what I long for. As I blow out the candles on my cake, that is what I wish for.

Bring back the spring!

It feels more like winter, more like the gray days that often inspire my work, or simply...more like autumn. It's been a tough week for me (do I say that a lot?). My day job has become more and more painful and I keep hoping beyond hope that something remarkable will happen with my non-profit arts organization and allow me to make that my full time work. In the meantime, what can I do? I try to hold on to things that make me smile or that make me feel alive. That is all any of us can do when days are dark or cold or lonely.

I share another poem from my book with you to bring back the spring...

Some Flowers
Somewhere in the backyard are my mother's favorite flower - lily of the valley.
The fragrant bells have bloomed by May, a time for mothers.

The Peonies have yet to bloom. I planted them because my father had one near the shed at the cottage on the lake.

There are two different types of lilac trees. I like the one because it is so different, and the other because it is what I expect.

Rose bushes line the wall, their variety of color remind me of an Easter basket, or a box of crayons, or a rainbow that reflects a kind of forgiveness.

And there are many other flowers: the hyacinths, the tulips, the crocus, and a bleeding heart, and there are always daffodils - yellow daffodils that I picked a million miles from here, a million years ago.

Visit my non-profit online at http://www.allseasonstheatre.org
Preview and purchase my book online at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright

Thanks to the hometown crowd!

It was really great to be home in Albion over the weekend. I actually started out in my college town of Lewiston, NY and even tho the crowd was small, we had a great time - and I was grateful that my mentor from Niagara U and one of my Mom's cousin's from Buffalo and her family came out to support. And best of all was the time we got to spend together over a great meal, reminiscing about family and catching up. Of course the Swan Library in Albion had a great event for me - desserts and drinks for everyone and a standing room crown. My Mom's art teacher surprised me and so many friends from the past there to support me and the work. It was a wonderful feeling. I wanted to share the letter I wrote to some of the papers in that area as my "thank you." I've also added one of my Mom's paintings from the book - you can see a large preview of this piece at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright. Enjoy!

I wanted to thank The Albion Swan Library and all the folks from the area who came out on Sunday, April 29th to support my book, Flowers In Autumn: endings and beginnings. It was an amazing afternoon filled with laughter and tears and re-connections. My mother, Gen Riviere (Monacelli), would have been so thrilled with the response to her paintings and I know she was with us in spirit. I am grateful that you not only gave me the chance to share my work with you, but that you allowed me to share my life stories - some of the highs and lows. I also want to thank those who weren't able to make it, but sent good wishes. It means a great deal. There has been so much support from my home town and the area for all of my endeavors over the years and I am truly blessed.

Finally, I wanted to say some words to those who suffer from depression as I do. First of all, believe that you have worth - you do. Secondly, know that you are not alone and you are not some freak who just needs to "get over it." What you do need, is to "get through it." And the way to do that is with professional help, maybe even medication for a time, and most importantly you need to look at yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and begin to recognize triggers in your life that may begin a cycle of depression for you. If you can break those triggers, or begin to control them, you will feel a bit better. If devastating loss is the center of your depression, you must try to realize that your life is still unfinished - you have more to accomplish. It does not mean the pain will go away, but know that those who love you, even in death, will always love you and they want you to go on. Carry their spirit and life within you and they will help you get through it. And don't be ashamed or too proud to run to others who love you or lean on those who can be of support - a doctor, a minister, a neighbor, a friend. They can shield you from the storm. Do give yourself the chance. Do believe that you are worth it. Do believe that you can find the reasons to go on, even if it takes a bit longer, even if at this very moment, life seems worthless and unbearable. As Josh Groban sings in one of his hit songs..."Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world, when your heart's heavy, I, I will lift it for you." I pray that you find strength and that your heart is lifted.

Thank you to all my friends; to all my Mom's friends, especially our neighbors from Ridge Road...really, you are my family, and I am forever grateful. Even though the miles may separate us, you are all in my heart.