Where am I going to?

Don't ask anymore. I'm feeling rather lost today...not surprising after the latest sequence of events in my life. But I keep wondering how much of this is my own doing? If I made choice B instead of A, would my life be drastically different? Do I really control my own destiny?

Before I blather on too much longer I have to share the drama of last night. So i have been very depressed since the closing of the show and the realization that the object of my affection and love is never going to feel the same way - indeed I sobbed myself to sleep on Thursday night listening to the radio and it seemed that every song spoke of my lonliness and despair. Now move forward 24 hours to last night. I decided after work to stay in the city, alone, and have a couple drinks, grab a bite to eat and go home and feel sorry for myself a bit more. Instead, I had the two drinks (cosmos), went to eat at Healthy Burger and then proceeded to have a bit of an attack on the subway platform. I got to the token booth clerk who called an ambulance and then i hit the deck. I've had these spells before, but they usually happen in the middle of the night so I just deal with them at home and they pass. Nothing conclusive has ever been found so I don't really worry about it. But this was embarrassing because I was in public. The paramedics came, put me in the ambulance, and were convinced it wasn't so bad. That is until I was hit with another spell and they started to panic (one of them said my lips were turning grey).

So...I went to the hospital, was in the emergency room for several hours while they took tests and gave me an IV and then they let me go. Said it was just dehydration and stress.

Stress -
A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression. (that is my favorite and most accurate definition from the American Heritage Dictionary).

Now back to my post question. Where do I go from here? Figuring that one out may be the biggest challenge of my life. I have to start by making some strong choices for my life - and finding a way to get out of this house is probably the first one. Letting go of a love that can't love me also tops the list. But when I look at those two choices alone, that is exactly where it leaves me...alone...and that scares me.

Forgive me for another rant which only has questions and few answers. And forgive me for sounding as if my life is so awful - I know full well that compared to many, my life is just great and I am grateful for it. It's the perfectionist in me that gets me into trouble - always feeling I can do better and that my world should be better.

I know, I know...still owe you the planets - coming soon!