I'm feeling really low...

So...from hopeful and empowered back to the halls of shadows where most of my life seems to reside. The last few days at work just about did me in. I will share with you that I have very little tolerance for "power." It makes me rebellious. I am not a good subordinate; never have been and I am always surprised to recall that I have NEVER been fired from a job. I am an honest, shoot from the hip, big mouth, who says what I feel and never allows title or power or position to sway my truth.

Two days ago, someone in a much higher position was rude to me and I took him to task, reducing him to a speechless blather. Afterwords I sent an email to my superiors to share the unpleasantness and basically say I was finished dealing with this person. My immediate boss took me to task and basically gave me an ultimatum - apologize or walk (after I had already threatened resignation). At first I said, "Not a chance in hell." And in the past I have always stood my ground on things like this - it is a matter of justice in my eyes. PLEASE don't tell me how much power this person has, or how many degrees they hold, or how many official titles they have because it will just strengthen my resolve to battle them even more. I am tired of people saying, "Oh that is just the way he/she is. Just ignore them," or "Just be patient with them...take it and move on." What about me? Why can't I just be who I am without repercussions? The double standard makes me nuts! If someone stood up to them in the past with this behavior, maybe they wouldn't act this way.

I don't ever like to hurt people, but if someone attacks me, or belittles me, or makes me feel like an ass, I will always defend myself - with venom if necessary. I am no better or worse than anyone else. If you treat me with respect, there is no job, no minutia too low for me - Christ! I'll clean your toilets if you need me to, but do not throw your power around. Do not presume that you are better or know more than I do. Do not disrespect me because you think you can, or because you think I should just take it.

So to end this little diatribe, I did it...that which I thought I would never do. I apologized. I think I killed a small piece of my soul today. And before you misunderstand, I ALWAYS apologize when I have done something wrong. Even when I haven't if the other person(s) involved mean something to me. But this, was, different. Someone I do not respect. Someone who makes a mess of things and bullies people and has no one to stop him. It was he who should have apologized to me. But, for the sake of others, for the sake of the bigger picture, I did apologize - I ate crow. And a part of me died. It is the first time in my life that I chose to do something that wasn't true for me - it wasn't the choice I would have made. In my life I have never regretted much - I have quit jobs on a dime to fight the power, to protect colleagues, to highlight injustice, whatever. I never cared because I know that my work ethic is beyond reproach and I have always worked beyond what was expected.

This has led me back into the darkness. And while I am familiar with these corridors, I was hoping to stay out of them for a bit longer. I don't know what the future holds now. My life seems so out of control. The uncomfortableness with my job and the reality that pushing papers is not where my destiny lies; my failed relationship; my empty life.

I came home tonight and found solace in music. I used to sing so much more - it filled my soul - I need to sing again.