There's just a few more hours...

that's all the time I've got!

I am grateful for so much as I turn 41. Grateful for the melancholy Paris trip that found my consciousness at 2AM on June 2nd, 2006 and caused the tears to flow for a life unfulfilled; grateful for Teo and Jimmy, two amazing souls who have come into my life and given me hope and strength - even though our paths may someday lead us apart, we will always be together in spirit. I am grateful for simple pleasures: the burger and chocolate milk shake I had tonight (I can't remember the last time I had a shake); for Eric from Belgium who I met while eating that burger and who needed my help to determine what cheese he should get and then just sharing stories and the realization that we really are all the same at our core; the air-conditioned bus on a hot day; the circle of annuals in my back yard and the simple breeze that finds its way through the branches of the Japanese Maple and rings the chimes on the garage. Grateful for David's nephew Nicholas who calls me "Uncle Pot" and always wants me to be wherever he is - his expressions of wonderment remind me of what life really is all about; for memories of blissful moments and family. I am grateful for the haunting and true lyrics of an Indigo Girls song like Closer to Fine (which I have been sharing with everyone lately); for physical connections and passionate kisses; for pain that allows my eventual joy to shout out with gladness. And yes, grateful for David, most grateful, because even though it is not what we expected, what we planned; even though it may best be reflected by photos in an album, there has been so much good and so much experienced that I would not have ever experienced alone.

And as I feel this gratitude, I am startled to a truth that corrects my earlier evaluation of one year ago - my life has not been wasted or unfulfilled or meaningless - indeed it has been full and grand and powerful. I am certain that there is so much more for me to do, so many more answers to be revealed. "I've gotta lotta livin' to do!"

And the journey has just begun.

I hope the Indigo Girls don't mind but since I've been sharing...

CLOSER TO FINE
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah
well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine