Crazy World

"...full of crazy contradictions like a child..." That's from the song Crazy World (VICTOR/VICTORIA).

So...as any of you who know me, I'm always on a constant roller-coaster and quite frankly seem to function better riding the highs and lows. But lately, the train seems to have stopped in a dip. I feel that for the past couple months I have been in a bit of a "minimal functioning funk." I find myself constantly drawn to waste time on things that are not good for me, I haven't been writing, or auditioning much and I keep wondering when ALL the irons I have in the fire (or as I now like to say...the cold furnace) spark something? I mean it's getting down to the wire in terms of my finances and living situation and of course that stresses me out even more so that I find myself not doing what I need to do.

Today, finally, was a first step back up the track of that big hill...I went to three auditions and have some appointments and a call-back later this week. But I always have this panging feeling of uncertainty and fear. At my age shouldn't I be over all that by now?

I feel I continue to give better and better auditions (when I actually go) because I feel confident in what I am bringing into the room, prepared and rarely nervous or desparate. But today for example, all of that went out the door and I felt like some nervous teenager again. And I think part of that comes from the fact that I AM getting a bit more desparate (I really need this job).

Well, I knew what I was getting back into when I came back to the biz full-time last year...so I guess whining is pointless.

Enough of the contradictions, I would like some consistancy please. Thank you.