I have so much to share that I can't possibly do it all in this post...so...just a quick synopsis...
I resigned from JDRF
I spent an amazing and glorious week in Provincetown Mass - one of my favorite places in the whole world
I had a great interview at the Performing Arts Center in Peekskill
I have been invited to interview for the Arts Administrator position at The High School for the Performing Arts in NYC
I have started rehearsals for MASS APPEAL
I am volunteering at my old job to help with The Summer Concerts on the Hudson
I may reconsider and stay at JDRF if they can cope with my needs
I have to pick the finalists for my new headshots
So many people are raving about my mother's artwork and wanting to buy it, hang it in restaurants, present shows, etc., that I am looking into getting giclees of her work.
More to come later and here is a link to purchase tickets for the show and a link to the free summer concerts...enjoy!
www.theatermania.com/content/show.cfm/show/134785
http://www.hrpac.org/
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Some photos from the shoot
So...I am even more amazed now that I have the almost 500 shots from the shoot. Unreal. Digital is amazing! And color! My first time for color. In any case, these are a few, not necessarily favorites of Eric, or even mine, but some shots I just pulled. Keep in mind these are not touched up or tweaked at all - just some raw shots...the one with the pug is most fun. When I have narrowed it down to less than 50, I will send them out to some of my trusted colleagues and advisers for opinions and then will have to narrow it down to the top five. Once I have those, I will post them and then choose the two I'll have re-touched (if I even need it) and they will be the ones I get reproduced.Stay tuned...
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Finding magnificent souls along the way
There are times, when you meet someone, and you immediately feel like you are in the presence of an old friend. And those moments, those experiences with that individual, that spirit, that soul, are so immensely powerful and true - there is a connection that you can not explain, but realize you don't need to...it is understood. The words flow effortlessly, the stories fly from your lips with an ease and a trust that is uncanny. Laughter and kindness, honesty and candor, camaraderie and excitement - this is neither the beginning or the end.
Today was one of those days for me. It was already going to be special as I was meeting with a photographer to take my headshots (something I have not done in over 10 years and certainly a move that signals my want to return to my acting roots). His name is Eric Laurits. Coming to meet me at the car was this charming, electric and sunny young man, carrying his camera and tri-pod and his book bag. Even if you didn't stop to say hello to him...even if it was not you he was meeting...you could sense from a distance his warmth and his good nature. But once we began to speak to one another, to share stories and question one another about our lives, it became strikingly evident that we were "picking up" from another place or time. It was so natural to talk and share with this person, to laugh and commiserate, to reveal truths and understand that we were both being understood. And so today, I feel very lucky to have met another journeyman in this crazy world, making the best of his life, no, much more than the best of it. He is sharing his gifts and his craft with others and working to help others strengthen their own craft. And most impressive to me was his humanity, his ability to articulate thoughts and reveal himself - I am almost 20 years his senior and yet I knew I was in the presence of someone very wise and very mature, yet down-to-earth and humble. God! I relish these moments, these meetings, these people who cross my path. They make me grateful for life and for words and for feelings and for expression.
For those of you who are not actors, the headshot, is one of the most important tools we have - it is our calling card; the first introduction we have to our work and our lives. There are tons of photographers out there, and quite a few headshot photographers, but the really great ones have a sensitivity to the work, to the person they are shooting, to try and bring out the essence of this actor, the characters he/she plays, the type of work they like to do. Actors will often admit that they are tense and nervous no matter how many times they get their shots taken because they feel they have to get THE shot. Today, I was relaxed and comfortable, just sharing with my new friend who happened to be taking pictures of me. It was clear after two and a half hours that we had gotten lots of THE shot but more importantly we had gotten to know one another and connected.
Reflecting upon it makes it seem almost surreal, and yet it also underlines for me the fact that things happen for a purpose; there is a reason for such beginnings - whether immediately clear to us or that which will be revealed at a later time.
So of course, I have to share. I enjoy promoting gifted people when I can. If you are an actor who needs headshots, or (and I forgot to mention this earlier) a couple planning your wedding (wedding photos are a passion of his) follow this link, enjoy his work and get in touch with him His website can be found at http://www.ericlaurits.com/
Thank you Eric...as darkness falls across the land of our lives, as it can from time to time, it is clear that you are a beacon of light and I say, "Shine on my friend, shine on!"
Today was one of those days for me. It was already going to be special as I was meeting with a photographer to take my headshots (something I have not done in over 10 years and certainly a move that signals my want to return to my acting roots). His name is Eric Laurits. Coming to meet me at the car was this charming, electric and sunny young man, carrying his camera and tri-pod and his book bag. Even if you didn't stop to say hello to him...even if it was not you he was meeting...you could sense from a distance his warmth and his good nature. But once we began to speak to one another, to share stories and question one another about our lives, it became strikingly evident that we were "picking up" from another place or time. It was so natural to talk and share with this person, to laugh and commiserate, to reveal truths and understand that we were both being understood. And so today, I feel very lucky to have met another journeyman in this crazy world, making the best of his life, no, much more than the best of it. He is sharing his gifts and his craft with others and working to help others strengthen their own craft. And most impressive to me was his humanity, his ability to articulate thoughts and reveal himself - I am almost 20 years his senior and yet I knew I was in the presence of someone very wise and very mature, yet down-to-earth and humble. God! I relish these moments, these meetings, these people who cross my path. They make me grateful for life and for words and for feelings and for expression.
For those of you who are not actors, the headshot, is one of the most important tools we have - it is our calling card; the first introduction we have to our work and our lives. There are tons of photographers out there, and quite a few headshot photographers, but the really great ones have a sensitivity to the work, to the person they are shooting, to try and bring out the essence of this actor, the characters he/she plays, the type of work they like to do. Actors will often admit that they are tense and nervous no matter how many times they get their shots taken because they feel they have to get THE shot. Today, I was relaxed and comfortable, just sharing with my new friend who happened to be taking pictures of me. It was clear after two and a half hours that we had gotten lots of THE shot but more importantly we had gotten to know one another and connected.
Reflecting upon it makes it seem almost surreal, and yet it also underlines for me the fact that things happen for a purpose; there is a reason for such beginnings - whether immediately clear to us or that which will be revealed at a later time.
So of course, I have to share. I enjoy promoting gifted people when I can. If you are an actor who needs headshots, or (and I forgot to mention this earlier) a couple planning your wedding (wedding photos are a passion of his) follow this link, enjoy his work and get in touch with him His website can be found at http://www.ericlaurits.com/
Thank you Eric...as darkness falls across the land of our lives, as it can from time to time, it is clear that you are a beacon of light and I say, "Shine on my friend, shine on!"
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Just take a day at a time
That's what my Mom always used to say. She was a wise lady. Sometimes, that is all you can do, especially when all else seems lost or your way seems so unclear. I haven't been to work all week and hope I can climb out of this funk soon. I was in the recording studio yesterday working on the CD for our PIE Holiday Story Series. I thought that would pull me out of my depression, but it didn't. Maybe because everything with ASTC in these first few years has been such a struggle - it always seems like a fight to get anything accomplished. Getting people to believe in the arts and moreover, getting them to support the arts, is a "hard row to hoe." Another phrase my Mom used to use.
Well, in honor of her life, and in her memory, I will try and make tomorrow a little better than today. As she got older, she tried to take everything in stride and appreciate what she had and realize that life wasn't so bad. When anyone would ask her how she was, she would simply say, "I'm doing pretty good for an old lady!"
I hope some of her attitude will find its way into my consciousness. I miss her.
Here is another one of her paintings...Shadows, oil on canvas board
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
A new poem
I SHOUT TO THE BIRDS
My heart pounds in my chest, so hard that it feels like thousands of wings beating against a cage. I take deep breaths, as everyone so often advises, and yet that only makes me dizzy; unable to see the choices that lay ahead of me. But in truth, the path is never clear to me, even in my most focused and cognizant moments; and there always seems to be thick barbed vines and jagged branches through which I must cut myself or circumvent. Is this my complete picture; my destiny revealed? I will not allow myself to submit to that narrow vision – even in the darkest hours of my existence, as I suffocate with my own tortured truths – I must go on. I shout to the birds…not the ones in the cage of course, for their plight is no better than my own (indeed it is worse), but to the birds in the heavens. Sing to me you soaring birds and from your vantage cry out the directions that may lead me to a better road; to a purpose that has meaning! I will strain to hear you until the last, even as my heartbeat grows faint and my breath becomes shallow. I am listening.
My heart pounds in my chest, so hard that it feels like thousands of wings beating against a cage. I take deep breaths, as everyone so often advises, and yet that only makes me dizzy; unable to see the choices that lay ahead of me. But in truth, the path is never clear to me, even in my most focused and cognizant moments; and there always seems to be thick barbed vines and jagged branches through which I must cut myself or circumvent. Is this my complete picture; my destiny revealed? I will not allow myself to submit to that narrow vision – even in the darkest hours of my existence, as I suffocate with my own tortured truths – I must go on. I shout to the birds…not the ones in the cage of course, for their plight is no better than my own (indeed it is worse), but to the birds in the heavens. Sing to me you soaring birds and from your vantage cry out the directions that may lead me to a better road; to a purpose that has meaning! I will strain to hear you until the last, even as my heartbeat grows faint and my breath becomes shallow. I am listening.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
I'm feeling really low...
So...from hopeful and empowered back to the halls of shadows where most of my life seems to reside. The last few days at work just about did me in. I will share with you that I have very little tolerance for "power." It makes me rebellious. I am not a good subordinate; never have been and I am always surprised to recall that I have NEVER been fired from a job. I am an honest, shoot from the hip, big mouth, who says what I feel and never allows title or power or position to sway my truth.
Two days ago, someone in a much higher position was rude to me and I took him to task, reducing him to a speechless blather. Afterwords I sent an email to my superiors to share the unpleasantness and basically say I was finished dealing with this person. My immediate boss took me to task and basically gave me an ultimatum - apologize or walk (after I had already threatened resignation). At first I said, "Not a chance in hell." And in the past I have always stood my ground on things like this - it is a matter of justice in my eyes. PLEASE don't tell me how much power this person has, or how many degrees they hold, or how many official titles they have because it will just strengthen my resolve to battle them even more. I am tired of people saying, "Oh that is just the way he/she is. Just ignore them," or "Just be patient with them...take it and move on." What about me? Why can't I just be who I am without repercussions? The double standard makes me nuts! If someone stood up to them in the past with this behavior, maybe they wouldn't act this way.
I don't ever like to hurt people, but if someone attacks me, or belittles me, or makes me feel like an ass, I will always defend myself - with venom if necessary. I am no better or worse than anyone else. If you treat me with respect, there is no job, no minutia too low for me - Christ! I'll clean your toilets if you need me to, but do not throw your power around. Do not presume that you are better or know more than I do. Do not disrespect me because you think you can, or because you think I should just take it.
So to end this little diatribe, I did it...that which I thought I would never do. I apologized. I think I killed a small piece of my soul today. And before you misunderstand, I ALWAYS apologize when I have done something wrong. Even when I haven't if the other person(s) involved mean something to me. But this, was, different. Someone I do not respect. Someone who makes a mess of things and bullies people and has no one to stop him. It was he who should have apologized to me. But, for the sake of others, for the sake of the bigger picture, I did apologize - I ate crow. And a part of me died. It is the first time in my life that I chose to do something that wasn't true for me - it wasn't the choice I would have made. In my life I have never regretted much - I have quit jobs on a dime to fight the power, to protect colleagues, to highlight injustice, whatever. I never cared because I know that my work ethic is beyond reproach and I have always worked beyond what was expected.
This has led me back into the darkness. And while I am familiar with these corridors, I was hoping to stay out of them for a bit longer. I don't know what the future holds now. My life seems so out of control. The uncomfortableness with my job and the reality that pushing papers is not where my destiny lies; my failed relationship; my empty life.
I came home tonight and found solace in music. I used to sing so much more - it filled my soul - I need to sing again.
Two days ago, someone in a much higher position was rude to me and I took him to task, reducing him to a speechless blather. Afterwords I sent an email to my superiors to share the unpleasantness and basically say I was finished dealing with this person. My immediate boss took me to task and basically gave me an ultimatum - apologize or walk (after I had already threatened resignation). At first I said, "Not a chance in hell." And in the past I have always stood my ground on things like this - it is a matter of justice in my eyes. PLEASE don't tell me how much power this person has, or how many degrees they hold, or how many official titles they have because it will just strengthen my resolve to battle them even more. I am tired of people saying, "Oh that is just the way he/she is. Just ignore them," or "Just be patient with them...take it and move on." What about me? Why can't I just be who I am without repercussions? The double standard makes me nuts! If someone stood up to them in the past with this behavior, maybe they wouldn't act this way.
I don't ever like to hurt people, but if someone attacks me, or belittles me, or makes me feel like an ass, I will always defend myself - with venom if necessary. I am no better or worse than anyone else. If you treat me with respect, there is no job, no minutia too low for me - Christ! I'll clean your toilets if you need me to, but do not throw your power around. Do not presume that you are better or know more than I do. Do not disrespect me because you think you can, or because you think I should just take it.
So to end this little diatribe, I did it...that which I thought I would never do. I apologized. I think I killed a small piece of my soul today. And before you misunderstand, I ALWAYS apologize when I have done something wrong. Even when I haven't if the other person(s) involved mean something to me. But this, was, different. Someone I do not respect. Someone who makes a mess of things and bullies people and has no one to stop him. It was he who should have apologized to me. But, for the sake of others, for the sake of the bigger picture, I did apologize - I ate crow. And a part of me died. It is the first time in my life that I chose to do something that wasn't true for me - it wasn't the choice I would have made. In my life I have never regretted much - I have quit jobs on a dime to fight the power, to protect colleagues, to highlight injustice, whatever. I never cared because I know that my work ethic is beyond reproach and I have always worked beyond what was expected.
This has led me back into the darkness. And while I am familiar with these corridors, I was hoping to stay out of them for a bit longer. I don't know what the future holds now. My life seems so out of control. The uncomfortableness with my job and the reality that pushing papers is not where my destiny lies; my failed relationship; my empty life.
I came home tonight and found solace in music. I used to sing so much more - it filled my soul - I need to sing again.
Friday, June 1, 2007
There's just a few more hours...
that's all the time I've got!
I am grateful for so much as I turn 41. Grateful for the melancholy Paris trip that found my consciousness at 2AM on June 2nd, 2006 and caused the tears to flow for a life unfulfilled; grateful for Teo and Jimmy, two amazing souls who have come into my life and given me hope and strength - even though our paths may someday lead us apart, we will always be together in spirit. I am grateful for simple pleasures: the burger and chocolate milk shake I had tonight (I can't remember the last time I had a shake); for Eric from Belgium who I met while eating that burger and who needed my help to determine what cheese he should get and then just sharing stories and the realization that we really are all the same at our core; the air-conditioned bus on a hot day; the circle of annuals in my back yard and the simple breeze that finds its way through the branches of the Japanese Maple and rings the chimes on the garage. Grateful for David's nephew Nicholas who calls me "Uncle Pot" and always wants me to be wherever he is - his expressions of wonderment remind me of what life really is all about; for memories of blissful moments and family. I am grateful for the haunting and true lyrics of an Indigo Girls song like Closer to Fine (which I have been sharing with everyone lately); for physical connections and passionate kisses; for pain that allows my eventual joy to shout out with gladness. And yes, grateful for David, most grateful, because even though it is not what we expected, what we planned; even though it may best be reflected by photos in an album, there has been so much good and so much experienced that I would not have ever experienced alone.
And as I feel this gratitude, I am startled to a truth that corrects my earlier evaluation of one year ago - my life has not been wasted or unfulfilled or meaningless - indeed it has been full and grand and powerful. I am certain that there is so much more for me to do, so many more answers to be revealed. "I've gotta lotta livin' to do!"
And the journey has just begun.
I hope the Indigo Girls don't mind but since I've been sharing...
CLOSER TO FINE
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah
well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
I am grateful for so much as I turn 41. Grateful for the melancholy Paris trip that found my consciousness at 2AM on June 2nd, 2006 and caused the tears to flow for a life unfulfilled; grateful for Teo and Jimmy, two amazing souls who have come into my life and given me hope and strength - even though our paths may someday lead us apart, we will always be together in spirit. I am grateful for simple pleasures: the burger and chocolate milk shake I had tonight (I can't remember the last time I had a shake); for Eric from Belgium who I met while eating that burger and who needed my help to determine what cheese he should get and then just sharing stories and the realization that we really are all the same at our core; the air-conditioned bus on a hot day; the circle of annuals in my back yard and the simple breeze that finds its way through the branches of the Japanese Maple and rings the chimes on the garage. Grateful for David's nephew Nicholas who calls me "Uncle Pot" and always wants me to be wherever he is - his expressions of wonderment remind me of what life really is all about; for memories of blissful moments and family. I am grateful for the haunting and true lyrics of an Indigo Girls song like Closer to Fine (which I have been sharing with everyone lately); for physical connections and passionate kisses; for pain that allows my eventual joy to shout out with gladness. And yes, grateful for David, most grateful, because even though it is not what we expected, what we planned; even though it may best be reflected by photos in an album, there has been so much good and so much experienced that I would not have ever experienced alone.
And as I feel this gratitude, I am startled to a truth that corrects my earlier evaluation of one year ago - my life has not been wasted or unfulfilled or meaningless - indeed it has been full and grand and powerful. I am certain that there is so much more for me to do, so many more answers to be revealed. "I've gotta lotta livin' to do!"
And the journey has just begun.
I hope the Indigo Girls don't mind but since I've been sharing...
CLOSER TO FINE
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
maybe give me insight between black and white
and the best thing you've ever done for me
is to help me take my life less seriously
it's only life after all
yeah
well the darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and the lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrapped my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
and the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
I went to see the doctor of philosophy
with a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
he never did marry or see a b-grade movie
he graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
got my paper and I was free
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
to seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
and I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
and I went in seeking clarity.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
we look to the children, we drink from the fountains
yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
we read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
there's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
the less I seek my source for some definitive
(the less I seek my source)
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
the closer I am to fine
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
As I look to my 41st Birthday
So I will be 41 on Saturday - I am a Gemini through and through. I suppose I could spin some thoughts about how I am feeling but I am not sure it is all that different from when I turned 40. Maybe the real difference is now I am ready to take some action and stop whining and complaining about things that make me miserable or depressed. I think that 2007 is meant to be a good year for me - 7 is my lucky number after all.
I will share some of my post P-Town thoughts from this memorial day weekend. I want to move to Provincetown Mass as soon as humanly possibly. Going up two or three times a year just isn't enough anymore. It was glorious! Commercial Street, the dinners at Lobster Pot, the drinks and amazing appetizers at Jimmy's Hideaway, the dunes, our friends who feel like extended family, the lobster on the pier - all of it is filled with life and beauty for me. I also feel that I observed this about myself - I am obsessive. Maybe I have always known it, but I really saw hard conscious examples. I need to let some of it go and I am certain that some of my anxiety an depression will be released with it. The trip also underlined my continued loneliness in my current relationship. Talking to people who have seen us year after year and mentioning 15 years seemed almost surreal to me. We are certainly best friends and enjoy doing certain things together, but there is no passion, no spark - we are not in love. And frankly, I miss that. I want to find it again.
So yes, it feels a bit like 40 but this year, I will take action!
Let me share another observation from my book - on turning 40!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I'm often lonely. It's no ones fault really; no one to blame. It is by choice, I suppose, at least some would say. I remember the days when crowds of laughter surrounded my banter. It didn't matter if they were laughing with me or at me; at least we were all having fun. I was the life of the party once ... have I told you that already? I don't care for parties now. It all changed when you showed me that the world was fool of fools and we two were the exception. My fault was in believing you and in the world proving you right. I imagine our dinners with Zinfandel, almost ice, and tastes of magnificent meals and conversation that kept my eyes from my watch. In the end, it wasn't enough, and I strayed and you disconnected and we gave up. After all, we were young and had our lives ahead of us. Better to go it alone. Better to go back to being who we were. Impossible I think. Now there is this mess I've made with these last twelve years; stumbling and searching for something, God knows what, and taking him along with me. The challenge of making him something he's not. It has failed miserably. We are lonelier together I think. In my consciousness I understand it and yet I can not pull the needle from this record. I did with you, didn't I? But age does have a way of stiffening our bones. I lied before, I think. I do know what I've always looked for, what I have always wanted ... perfection. And I've found everything, but. I know what you're thinking. How dare I be so bitchy and miserable; sharing my life as if it was agony and the glass was empty! Of course, you're right. My childhood was filled with loss but also so much life. I love school and knew it while I was in it. How rare is that? Travel and theatre and food and wine and culture and life, just fascinating and enchanting life. And maybe that is why I resent where I am now. It was then that everything was mine to touch and taste and be. I was a sponge and everything around me was fluid. I took it all in and cherished it. I ate and drank and loved and played and heard the roar of thousands, literally, and I think I miss that. Maybe I blame him for being a project that took me away from that journey, but that is not really fair I suppose, and certainly not his fault. Maybe I blame you, for changing my view, my perspective, which had always been so bright and abandoned. I could blame mother or brother; after all, they are dead. Truthfully though, I can only blame myself. I have always made my own choices and done exactly as I want. Spoiled by life and now I am angry with it. It should have given me more I think. It's all so trite, even this, as I write it seems so whiny and lame. There are a few joys now. Music makes me sing, sometimes, though I long to share it with more than just my thoughts. Movies move me, to tears mostly, when I am swept to reminiscence by similarities in character or plot. Therapeutic conversations stimulate my intellect and make me feel alive for a few minutes now and then. The Muscadet and pate in Paris was wonderful and the time in Italy was a dream. And trips to the Cape have kept me sane I suppose. The house and gardens keep me dreaming. But mostly, as droll and dull as it may seem, the reality of life at forty is loneliness. I hate it and I don't want to feel like this anymore. And it's not about being physically alone; it's about making a choice to find happiness ... to look for it and find it, or make it if it's not there. It's about letting things go and not giving a damn about the small stuff, and changing my life, not to what it once was, but to something it can be, something better than this. And I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I had that at thirty. I'm just tired of feeling this way, tired of being alone even when I'm surrounded by people, tired of missing out on whatever else is out there to learn and explore and experience. I want to smile again, and not like the cat or the hyena, but like the boy holding the balloon and eating the ice-cream and holding his mother's hand as they walk along the river to the ferry. That is what I long for. As I blow out the candles on my cake, that is what I wish for.
I will share some of my post P-Town thoughts from this memorial day weekend. I want to move to Provincetown Mass as soon as humanly possibly. Going up two or three times a year just isn't enough anymore. It was glorious! Commercial Street, the dinners at Lobster Pot, the drinks and amazing appetizers at Jimmy's Hideaway, the dunes, our friends who feel like extended family, the lobster on the pier - all of it is filled with life and beauty for me. I also feel that I observed this about myself - I am obsessive. Maybe I have always known it, but I really saw hard conscious examples. I need to let some of it go and I am certain that some of my anxiety an depression will be released with it. The trip also underlined my continued loneliness in my current relationship. Talking to people who have seen us year after year and mentioning 15 years seemed almost surreal to me. We are certainly best friends and enjoy doing certain things together, but there is no passion, no spark - we are not in love. And frankly, I miss that. I want to find it again.
So yes, it feels a bit like 40 but this year, I will take action!
Let me share another observation from my book - on turning 40!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
I'm often lonely. It's no ones fault really; no one to blame. It is by choice, I suppose, at least some would say. I remember the days when crowds of laughter surrounded my banter. It didn't matter if they were laughing with me or at me; at least we were all having fun. I was the life of the party once ... have I told you that already? I don't care for parties now. It all changed when you showed me that the world was fool of fools and we two were the exception. My fault was in believing you and in the world proving you right. I imagine our dinners with Zinfandel, almost ice, and tastes of magnificent meals and conversation that kept my eyes from my watch. In the end, it wasn't enough, and I strayed and you disconnected and we gave up. After all, we were young and had our lives ahead of us. Better to go it alone. Better to go back to being who we were. Impossible I think. Now there is this mess I've made with these last twelve years; stumbling and searching for something, God knows what, and taking him along with me. The challenge of making him something he's not. It has failed miserably. We are lonelier together I think. In my consciousness I understand it and yet I can not pull the needle from this record. I did with you, didn't I? But age does have a way of stiffening our bones. I lied before, I think. I do know what I've always looked for, what I have always wanted ... perfection. And I've found everything, but. I know what you're thinking. How dare I be so bitchy and miserable; sharing my life as if it was agony and the glass was empty! Of course, you're right. My childhood was filled with loss but also so much life. I love school and knew it while I was in it. How rare is that? Travel and theatre and food and wine and culture and life, just fascinating and enchanting life. And maybe that is why I resent where I am now. It was then that everything was mine to touch and taste and be. I was a sponge and everything around me was fluid. I took it all in and cherished it. I ate and drank and loved and played and heard the roar of thousands, literally, and I think I miss that. Maybe I blame him for being a project that took me away from that journey, but that is not really fair I suppose, and certainly not his fault. Maybe I blame you, for changing my view, my perspective, which had always been so bright and abandoned. I could blame mother or brother; after all, they are dead. Truthfully though, I can only blame myself. I have always made my own choices and done exactly as I want. Spoiled by life and now I am angry with it. It should have given me more I think. It's all so trite, even this, as I write it seems so whiny and lame. There are a few joys now. Music makes me sing, sometimes, though I long to share it with more than just my thoughts. Movies move me, to tears mostly, when I am swept to reminiscence by similarities in character or plot. Therapeutic conversations stimulate my intellect and make me feel alive for a few minutes now and then. The Muscadet and pate in Paris was wonderful and the time in Italy was a dream. And trips to the Cape have kept me sane I suppose. The house and gardens keep me dreaming. But mostly, as droll and dull as it may seem, the reality of life at forty is loneliness. I hate it and I don't want to feel like this anymore. And it's not about being physically alone; it's about making a choice to find happiness ... to look for it and find it, or make it if it's not there. It's about letting things go and not giving a damn about the small stuff, and changing my life, not to what it once was, but to something it can be, something better than this. And I'm not having a mid-life crisis, I had that at thirty. I'm just tired of feeling this way, tired of being alone even when I'm surrounded by people, tired of missing out on whatever else is out there to learn and explore and experience. I want to smile again, and not like the cat or the hyena, but like the boy holding the balloon and eating the ice-cream and holding his mother's hand as they walk along the river to the ferry. That is what I long for. As I blow out the candles on my cake, that is what I wish for.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Bring back the spring!
It feels more like winter, more like the gray days that often inspire my work, or simply...more like autumn. It's been a tough week for me (do I say that a lot?). My day job has become more and more painful and I keep hoping beyond hope that something remarkable will happen with my non-profit arts organization and allow me to make that my full time work. In the meantime, what can I do? I try to hold on to things that make me smile or that make me feel alive. That is all any of us can do when days are dark or cold or lonely.
I share another poem from my book with you to bring back the spring...
Some Flowers
Somewhere in the backyard are my mother's favorite flower - lily of the valley.
The fragrant bells have bloomed by May, a time for mothers.
The Peonies have yet to bloom. I planted them because my father had one near the shed at the cottage on the lake.
There are two different types of lilac trees. I like the one because it is so different, and the other because it is what I expect.
Rose bushes line the wall, their variety of color remind me of an Easter basket, or a box of crayons, or a rainbow that reflects a kind of forgiveness.
And there are many other flowers: the hyacinths, the tulips, the crocus, and a bleeding heart, and there are always daffodils - yellow daffodils that I picked a million miles from here, a million years ago.
Visit my non-profit online at http://www.allseasonstheatre.org
Preview and purchase my book online at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright
I share another poem from my book with you to bring back the spring...
Some Flowers
Somewhere in the backyard are my mother's favorite flower - lily of the valley.
The fragrant bells have bloomed by May, a time for mothers.
The Peonies have yet to bloom. I planted them because my father had one near the shed at the cottage on the lake.
There are two different types of lilac trees. I like the one because it is so different, and the other because it is what I expect.
Rose bushes line the wall, their variety of color remind me of an Easter basket, or a box of crayons, or a rainbow that reflects a kind of forgiveness.
And there are many other flowers: the hyacinths, the tulips, the crocus, and a bleeding heart, and there are always daffodils - yellow daffodils that I picked a million miles from here, a million years ago.
Visit my non-profit online at http://www.allseasonstheatre.org
Preview and purchase my book online at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright
Friday, May 4, 2007
Thanks to the hometown crowd!
It was really great to be home in Albion over the weekend. I actually started out in my college town of Lewiston, NY and even tho the crowd was small, we had a great time - and I was grateful that my mentor from Niagara U and one of my Mom's cousin's from Buffalo and her family came out to support. And best of all was the time we got to spend together over a great meal, reminiscing about family and catching up. Of course the Swan Library in Albion had a great event for me - desserts and drinks for everyone and a standing room crown. My Mom's art teacher surprised me and so many friends from the past there to support me and the work. It was a wonderful feeling. I wanted to share the letter I wrote to some of the papers in that area as my "thank you." I've also added one of my Mom's paintings from the book - you can see a large preview of this piece at http://www.lulu.com/parplaywright. Enjoy!
I wanted to thank The Albion Swan Library and all the folks from the area who came out on Sunday, April 29th to support my book, Flowers In Autumn: endings and beginnings. It was an amazing afternoon filled with laughter and tears and re-connections. My mother, Gen Riviere (Monacelli), would have been so thrilled with the response to her paintings and I know she was with us in spirit. I am grateful that you not only gave me the chance to share my work with you, but that you allowed me to share my life stories - some of the highs and lows. I also want to thank those who weren't able to make it, but sent good wishes. It means a great deal. There has been so much support from my home town and the area for all of my endeavors over the years and I am truly blessed.
Finally, I wanted to say some words to those who suffer from depression as I do. First of all, believe that you have worth - you do. Secondly, know that you are not alone and you are not some freak who just needs to "get over it." What you do need, is to "get through it." And the way to do that is with professional help, maybe even medication for a time, and most importantly you need to look at yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and begin to recognize triggers in your life that may begin a cycle of depression for you. If you can break those triggers, or begin to control them, you will feel a bit better. If devastating loss is the center of your depression, you must try to realize that your life is still unfinished - you have more to accomplish. It does not mean the pain will go away, but know that those who love you, even in death, will always love you and they want you to go on. Carry their spirit and life within you and they will help you get through it. And don't be ashamed or too proud to run to others who love you or lean on those who can be of support - a doctor, a minister, a neighbor, a friend. They can shield you from the storm. Do give yourself the chance. Do believe that you are worth it. Do believe that you can find the reasons to go on, even if it takes a bit longer, even if at this very moment, life seems worthless and unbearable. As Josh Groban sings in one of his hit songs..."Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world, when your heart's heavy, I, I will lift it for you." I pray that you find strength and that your heart is lifted.
Thank you to all my friends; to all my Mom's friends, especially our neighbors from Ridge Road...really, you are my family, and I am forever grateful. Even though the miles may separate us, you are all in my heart.
Finally, I wanted to say some words to those who suffer from depression as I do. First of all, believe that you have worth - you do. Secondly, know that you are not alone and you are not some freak who just needs to "get over it." What you do need, is to "get through it." And the way to do that is with professional help, maybe even medication for a time, and most importantly you need to look at yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself and begin to recognize triggers in your life that may begin a cycle of depression for you. If you can break those triggers, or begin to control them, you will feel a bit better. If devastating loss is the center of your depression, you must try to realize that your life is still unfinished - you have more to accomplish. It does not mean the pain will go away, but know that those who love you, even in death, will always love you and they want you to go on. Carry their spirit and life within you and they will help you get through it. And don't be ashamed or too proud to run to others who love you or lean on those who can be of support - a doctor, a minister, a neighbor, a friend. They can shield you from the storm. Do give yourself the chance. Do believe that you are worth it. Do believe that you can find the reasons to go on, even if it takes a bit longer, even if at this very moment, life seems worthless and unbearable. As Josh Groban sings in one of his hit songs..."Don't give up, it's just the weight of the world, when your heart's heavy, I, I will lift it for you." I pray that you find strength and that your heart is lifted.
Thank you to all my friends; to all my Mom's friends, especially our neighbors from Ridge Road...really, you are my family, and I am forever grateful. Even though the miles may separate us, you are all in my heart.
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As Snoopy in You're A Good Man Charlie Brown (July 2000)
